


Altruistic - Attack on Titan x Reader

by darklcy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Multi, Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:53:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29223504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darklcy/pseuds/darklcy
Summary: This is my new Attack on Titan x Reader insert story! This story will feature the characters and canon storyline of the Attack on Titan/Shingeki  no Kyojin series! This story will include violence, bad language, and potential spoilers for anyone who has not completed the series (not including the manga because I have not read it).!!There will not be a centered pairing in this fanfic, but there will be many scenes with the characters and focus solely on the relationships the reader develops with each character!!.please enjoy and leave any comments!!
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

Prologue

[[Songstamp: Christmas Morning - Little Women ost]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiIBXtn_BdM)

The sunlight was harsh on your sleeping eyelids. Had you not slept in this late you might've been able to avoid the annoying sun, but your tiresome headache had worn you out all night. A headache caused solely from not one, not two...

"[First]! Are you awake yet?!"

"Wake uuuup!"

"We'll drag you out of bed again!"

...but **three** specific people.

A groan escaped your lips as you sat up, the bed creaking under your weight.

So much for getting some extra sleep. 

"[Firsttt] come on!"

Pounding fists collided with the wooden door. More yells of your name echoed in an attempt to wake you up from your peaceful slumber, one that was already _rudely_ interrupted. But of course all this excitement wasn't the result of it just being another morning.

"I'm up, I'm up. Now calm down before mom hollers at you."

Opening the door, the three came bursting into your room with rapid footsteps. One leaped up onto your bed and hopped up and down, swishing her hair around. The other two skipped around the room as if performing some dance with each other. All three were filled with enthusiasm.

"[First!] Do you remember what day it is?"

"How could I have forgotten when you're the one who kept talking about it yesterday."

The girl on the bed playfully pouted at your remark. Nonetheless, she bounced off the mattress to greet you face to face, a bright smile on her features.

"Maria didn't sleep at all last night, yknow."

"She kept singing and dancing around the room. It was a little annoying, actually." The other two girls paused their prances and walked up towards you.

"Hm, well, I could hear her from in here, too."

You jokingly sneered as you leaned down closer to Maria's face. She stuck her tongue out, letting out a 'hmph!' You laughed as you brought up a hand to ruffle her short hair.

"We're just joking, Maria. Happy birthday."

The younger girl beamed at you and at her two other sisters before dashing down the stairs. Yes, it was Maria's birthday. She was turning seven, and naturally still being a child, she was more ecstatic than her usual hyperactive self. Which, to put it lightly, is **A LOT** of energy for the girl. But you had to admit, she added some fire to your home life, and for that you felt grateful.

Your mom had already prepared breakfast by the time you and your sisters made it down the steps. The sweet aroma of the freshly baked bread stirred the air, making your stomach growl with anticipating hunger. A pleasant hum emitted from your throat.

"Good morning my girls, and miss Maria."

Maria trotted happily into her mother's arms as she was lifted up and pecked with kisses. Your mother gazed at the young girl lovingly as she embraced her.

"Happy birthday angel."

Noisy, eager chatter sounded throughout the room as you and your sisters found your seats at the small wooden table, eyes brimmed with delight.Baskets of bread decorated the top as well as a small batch of steam potatoes and a plate of sunny side up eggs.

Maria was neatly placed down into her chair with a giggle. As soon as everyone was seated, the meal began. You took no time to wait as you scooped up a piece of bread, a potato and egg all for yourself. Secretly, you were hoping one of your sisters was a little less hungry and would leave a spare loaf so you could selfishly snatch it.

Unfortunately for you, all the bread was gone in minutes. And so was your meal.

You let out a sigh of content as you finished your last bite. Placing down your wooden fork and spoon, you watched your mother and sisters finish their meal in silence. Your mother raised an eyebrow at you.

"Haven't I told you before not to eat too fast?"

_ Ugh, here we go. _

"...You might've mentioned it."

You say weakly before taking a sip of water.

"You can eat like that here at home, but if you go out in public like that..."

Even on a birthday your mother wastes no time trying to correct your mannerisms. It bothered you to no end, but being the second oldest daughter, you assumed she was just wanting you to be a little bit more mature.

"People will think you're a monster."

You sent a glare at your sister seated beside you.

"Shut up, Thea."

"Or a Titan!"

"Clara..!"

You head snapped towards Clara's direction. She didn't seem to notice the damage her words had.

"If you eat like that people will think you're a Titan! Because they eat people like monsters!"

The young girl carried on mindlessly. Through your peripheral vision you could see your mom stiffen up.

"Clara, stop that."

Your attempts to silence her fell on deaf ears.

"I'm being serious [First]! What if people think you're a Titan and try to take you aw-,"

** "Clara." **

Your mother gasped out your sister's name in shock. She clenched her cup tightly with shaky fingers, her eyes wide open. Clara immediately quieted herself once she noticed her mother's reaction. The atmosphere tensed up uncomfortably in a matter of seconds; your sisters exchanging nervous eye contact with each other. An uneasy sigh left your mother's parted lips.

"Please, do not talk about that at the table."

The next few minutes felt like long, brutal hours. It was understandable why your mother reacted that way. After all...

** It's only been a year since the outer wall's been breached.  **

"...I'm sorry, mom."

Clara shamelessly drifted her gaze to her lap. Your mother's shoulders relaxed, relieved now that the topic of discussion was over. She turned to her right to peer at Maria, who had been soundlessly observing the conversation.

"..That actually reminds me. Maria, I have something for you."

Maria perked up as the woman got up from the table and walked over to the sink counter. Opening up a wooden drawer, she retrieved what looked like to be a flower crown of some sort. Maria watched eagerly as your mother carefully placed the crown on the girl's head. The flowers sported colors of blues and purples with the stems intricately woven together.

You and your sisters grinned at the sight. Each of you had practiced making flower crowns just for this day, and it looks like your hard work payed off. Those thorn pricks were very worth it.

"Do you like it?"

Your mother questioned as she sat back down.

** "I LOVE IT!" **

Maria squealed as she jumped off her chair and skipped around the kitchen, using two fingers to keep her crown in place. Laughter erupted from each of you, easing any left over tension in the air from a few minutes prior.

The rest of the day flew by at a peaceful pace. After breakfast, the four of you got dressed in casual dresses and departed from the house alongside your mother for a blissful walk around town. Your mom took this opportunity to retrieve any bundles of food and supplies needed for the house as well as some firewood for the fire place.

"Oh mom! Do you think we could get some more dresses?"

"What about some more books?"

"I would love to have another pair of shoes. These ones are all worn out..."

"I want flowers!"

Your mother only shook her head at you and your sisters' greedy requests. Well, it was nice to dream every once in a while. Some days you long for endless amounts of bread and foods you've never tasted along with a castle for a house and servants who bend at your every will.

Selfish, yes. But who ever said it was wrong to wish for whatever you want?

You knew you'd never get any of the things you asked for, so you allowed yourself to window shop and daydream of the endless possibilities of possessing any of the items you wanted as you strolled down the pavement.

Hats...boots...pottery...

Clothes...fish...bonnets...

There were too many products for your eyes to feast on. Your sisters mumbled their desires and wishes out loud from behind you, harboring the same selfishness as you. Only difference between you and them was you kept quiet about it more.

"Remember your manners, my girls. Just because we can not afford to buy all the things you desire does not mean we already have enough. You all are very fortunate already."

Your mother stated, turning her head over her shoulder to make eye contact. Clara, Thea, and Maria each shut their mouths and trudged along the road without making another sound. Facing front once more, your mother suddenly smiled and picked up her walking pace.

"Oh good, there's the post office!"

There was another reason why you all desperately wanted to go walk through the city. It was nice yes, but on the opposite side was the postal office where citizens can ship letters and small gifts to other districts and more importantly, the military outposts. Waltzing up to the entrance door and pulling it open, you and your sisters entered the building with your mother following behind. At the desk was a man who seemed busy with paperwork, yet his eyes trailed up to meet yours as you made your way inside. Your mother opened up her skirt pocket to retrieve a neatly sealed envelope to place on the counter.

"I'd like to ship this letter to the Survey Corps Headquarters, please."

Your mother's voice slightly wavered as she spoke. The man looked at her for a few blank seconds before reaching up to grab the envelope.

"The Survey Corps, huh? I'll make sure this travels there safely."

He then smiled, tipping his hat softly. Your mother thanked him graciously, giving him an appreciative smile. You glanced up at your mom before looking over at the man. It was always the same man working and with each visit he seemed to grow nicer and nicer. You had a feeling he knew the situation your family was in due to the fact that most families deal with something similar. Still, you found yourself feeling grateful for this man, too.

\--

It was dusk by the time you all made it back home. The sunset casted a beautiful mix of purple and red into the clouds with small hints of orange and yellow surrounding the falling sun. Nighttime would be here soon, marking the end of Maria's birthday.

...And she was _not_ happy about that.

She cried for about an hour as soon as the moon ascended into the sky, saying things like 'I want it to be my birthday forever' and 'I don't want tomorrow to come.' It took everyone in the house to tire her out by reading her stories and dancing around; by the time the last dance ended, she had fallen asleep. Your mother neatly tucked her into bed with a kiss on her forehead, wishing her another happy birthday and blowing out the candle. The little monster was finally tamed.

You, Thea, and Clare waited patiently for your mother to exit the room before asking the anticipated question. It was Thea who spoke first.

"Do you think our letter will reach father?"

Your mother let out a sigh.

"I always pray that it does. I always pray and believe in my heart that he will be there for our letters, and that he will come home. But, with him being in the Survey Corps...we can only pray so much."

You chewed on your lip. Your father had been gone for a good long while. He was recruited into the Survey Corps just before the fall of Wall Maria, and once the news reached your town, the Shiganshina District had already been destroyed and abandoned by the citizens. Your mother wept for days, believing that your father had perished at the hands of Titans and died painfully. But as mysterious as miracles are, he was still alive, and was given the opportunity to visit your home.

It was the happiest you had ever seen your mother. She cried tears of pure joy and did everything in her power to savor each moment she was given with him. However he was only granted a few hours, for he had to set out on yet another mission. And being in the Survey Corps, each mission was basically a road straight towards death.

Sometimes you believe being away from him made it easier on you and your family. You all had adjusted quite well with each other, and once it was time for him to leave, your mother had returned to the bitter sadness she experienced prior to his visit. You got so used to him not being home that when he was home, you didn't know how to act. Of course you loved him, you could never doubt or deny that fact, but...

It was easier on you to not have him home.

And for that fact, you felt guilty. You knew it was wrong to even think of such things, yet how could you not? This was your life now. And compared to your mother, you accepted it much easier and quicker than she did.

...So when the inevitable happened, when his letter never made it to your house, when a soldier of the Survey Corps had personally delivered their own letter stating how your father was killed in the last expedition outside the walls, you felt all that guilt suddenly overwhelm you.

Your mind screamed at you for ever harboring the beliefs that being away from him was easy. That you preferred being at home with your mother and sisters, that you adjusted to him not being home as quickly as you did. How could you ever feel happy and joyful when your father was facing death fighting Titans to protect you? How could you think that you deserve those selfish needs and wants when your father was the reason you even had a home in the first place? A home that was safe and protected?

As you watched your mother crumble in front of the soldier, self hatred grew more and more inside of you. Your eyes filled with tears and soon cascaded down your face. Reaching up to wipe them, you froze.

_ Do I even have the right to be crying over him...?  _

Your sisters Clara and Thea ran over to your weeping mother and helped lift her off the ground, wrapping their arms around her waist. Both of them were crying and sniffling, refusing to accept the brutal reality. And poor Maria... Maria stood at the bottom of the stairs, one hand holding onto a homemade doll and her face a void stare. No doubt she was confused with what was going on. Her eyes were widened to the brim as she stared at the scene.

You hastily walked over to her and hoisted her up, turning her away and holding a hand on the back of her head. Your eyes gazed back over to the soldier who was still standing at the doorway, his face grim and heavy. Your mother was in no shape to speak with him anymore.

Stepping in front of her, you faced the soldier and placed a hand on the open door.

"Thank you...for letting us know."

The soldier gave you a firm salute before turning around and sauntering down the pavement away from your house. You slowly closed the door. The reality of the situation began to weigh on you as your mother's sobs echoed throughout the house. Standing there with a stunned Maria in your arms, you had no idea what to do. Thea and Clara met your eyes silently, their faces red and swollen. Your mother's face was buried in her hands, resting against Thea's body.

You all had no idea what to do.

The next few days were spent in complete utter despair. Your mother had gathered up a bundle of your father's belongings and preserved them in an old shoe box. With the little savings your family had, your father was going to have a proper funeral, even if his body hadn't been retrieved. Holding a small bouquet of flowers, you all made your way up the hill towards the town's cemetery. A small hole had already been dug out with a gravestone readied in place. Your mother bent down and delicately laid the box on the dirt, resting her hand on top for a few seconds.

After the box was placed, you each grabbed a flower and softly dropped it inside the grave hole. As you hesitantly let go of yours, you wordlessly apologized to your now deceased father. You apologized for not appreciating him enough and for being selfish and needy. You were too far up your head to even notice the gruesome reality he was living in just so you and your family would be safe.

He fought for you for almost two years. And you didn't thank him the entire time.

You hoped somehow he could hear your prays and thoughts and find it in his heart to forgive you. You hoped with everything in you that he was resting peacefully. As the flower floated down into the grave hole and soon landing on the box, a final thought crossed your mind.

_ You fought well, father. _

\--

A long year had passed since your father's death. Maria was now eight years old, and you had turned twelve a few months prior. The devastating news of the failed operation to retake Wall Maria had reached your hometown, Karanese, and citizens were starting to panic. Twenty percent of the human population had perished in the hands of the Titans, and that simple fact infuriated you. You knew the Royal Government commenced the mission due to food shortages and lack of land, but you couldn't help but feel that the government sent those refugees to Wall Maria just to get killed. Just to get rid of more mouths to feed.

But what enraged you more was what caused all this destruction in the first place. What killed all those people, and what killed your father.

_They _were the cause of it all. _They_ were the ones who created this mess. _They_ were the reason humanity was struggling. _They_ were the reason all that land was lost. _They_ were the reason your father was no longer here.

When Clara compared you to one jokingly last year, you silenced her only because you knew the mere mention of **_them_** panicked your mother. But now when you recall that moment, you laugh at your ignorance and stupidity. If only you knew what harm they would bring to you and your family. Even if you were safe behind Wall Rose, who knows when the same thing that happened to Wall Maria happens again? What if they get to you and your family? Your mother? Your sisters? What if you have to relive that same guilt and despair again?

No, you could never let that happen. You would do everything in your will to prevent that from **_ever_** happening.

Which is why you were now staring face to face with your mother who had just slammed her fists against the wooden table and glared at you with eyes full of fury. Her nose scrunched up and her eyebrows furrowed bitterly. You had never seen her this upset before. But did you regret your decision? Absolutely not.

**_ "What the HELL are you thinking saying things like that?! Have you lost your mind, [First]?!" _ **

Thea immediately grabbed Maria and dragged her out of the kitchen, heading towards the stairs with Clara following close behind. Both Clara and Thea held worried looks on their faces as they left the room.

You refused to back down. Your arms crossed over each other as you kept holding eye contact with your mother who was practically seething.

"No, I have not lost my mind. I don't care what you say I'm doing it."

Your words seemed innocent enough, yet they managed to exasperate your mother even more, if that was even possible.

"Have you not seen what Titans do to people? To the Survey Corps? **TO YOUR FATHER?! HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WHAT'S HAPPENED TO HIM?!** "

Her hollering voice left your ears pounding. Still, you kept your cool. As best as you could, anyway.

"I have not forgotten, but it's because of him that I want to do this. What happens if another invasion comes? What if we're next? I want to prevent that as much as I can!"

You rose up to your feet mid sentence. Your mother took a few seconds to process your words and what you were saying. She soon responded with a quiet voice.

"There are enough soldiers as it is, [First]. There are lots of recruits each year, and I will NOT have you join them. We are already for-"

You interrupted her before she could finish.

"Are you really going to say that we are fortunate enough already? Right now? Is that what you truly believe? I don't want to wait around believing we are safe when there are people dying for us to live here!"

** "I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE OUT THERE JUST LIKE HIM!!!" **

Your face fell. You were too caught up in your words that you didn't realize the woman in front of you started to shake and cry. She collapsed onto her seat and wept into the palms of her hands, her shoulders trembling.

You slumped back in your chair as you stared at your mother, guilt written on your face. Here you were thinking you were doing something beneficial to the family, yet you weren't even considering your mother's feelings. Selfish, once again.

"...I don't want you to be eaten and never be seen again. I want you to be safe and not be afraid...I want you here."

Meeting your mother's wet eyes, how could you possibly fight back? All that fire and strength within you withered away at the sight of the broken woman, and this time you were the one to look away first. Your gaze fell to your hands currently resting on your lap, silently admitting defeat.

"But..."

Your head raised up. _But?_

"I...I will hear you out. I know...I can't shelter you forever. One day I'm going to have to let you go, and...if this is truly what you want to do, I can't stop you."

You blinked. Was she joking? Or was she being completely serious?

"You've never backed down from something you wanted to do. If you wanted to do something, no one could stop you. I've always encouraged you to follow your heart and make decisions for yourself...so how can I sit here and try to hold you back now?"

Your mother wiped her tears away with a small handkerchief. Mustering up a small smile, she lifted her chin to face you confidently.

"I don't fully support it, but I will not stop you. Do what you need to do." 

Your eyes slowly widened. _Was she really going to allow this?_

She continued to smile at you, reassuring your concerns with her loving eyes. A small smile soon found its way onto your face, showing your mother the same love she was presenting to you. Somehow in that moment, you had a feeling everything was going to be okay. You let yourself believe in the meantime.

And so...

Here you were, standing in front of the entrance to the training grounds, about to receive your trainee uniform and officially become part of the 104th Training Corps regiment. Judging from the looks of the large crowd, there were others harboring similar thoughts and desires you had. Perhaps they too had been selfish like you were before this point.

But you've changed for the better. Those days of greedily wanting goods and clothes were long gone, and now, you were willing to do whatever it takes to never feel that way again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (General warning for bad language and the violence that comes from Keith Shadis :))

To put it lightly, you were terrified.

The training grounds spread out in a vast dirt field with small rocky mountains surrounding the outer borders. You took note of the wooden cabins on both ends from where you stood, to which you made the safe assumption that that was where you would be sleeping. The head instructor was a tan skinned man with eyes bearing resemblance to an eagle. His intense stare bore through each trainee that stood before him, striking ultimate fear just from a mere look.

Soon just after arriving and changing into your newly issued uniform, several instructors assisted you and the rest of the trainees into rows of thirteen. In your head you couldn't count exactly how many there were, but a rough estimate? A little more than two hundred, maybe even more.

Firmly standing with perfect posture and arms crossed behind your back, you lifted your chin and listened closely to the words of your new instructor.

Keith Shadis.

###  "WHAT THE _FUCK_ IS YOUR NAME?!"

Hm. Listen closely, indeed.

Your back tensed up considerably as the tall man peered down on the unfortunate boy who was currently positioned on your left. Being one of the first ones to be interrogated, you instantly felt sympathy.

** "A-Armin Arlert from Shiganshina, SIR!" **

** "Is that so? That name sounds fit for a pathetic  _ BASTARD! _ Your parents name you that,  _ PUNK?! _ " **

"My grandfather, sir!"

Keith Shadis bent down to meet eye-to-eye with the boy, giving off an immense threatening presence and questioning the boy of his ulterior motive.

** "Why the fuck are you here, Arlert?!" **

** "TO CONTRIBUTE TO HUMANITY'S VICTORY, SIR!!" **

The boy, Armin Arlert, tightly clenched his eyes together as he shouted his response. Inspecting further, you observed that his legs softly trembled and his fist was stiff against his chest.

"How admirable. You will make FIRST CLASS TITAN FODDER!

###  ROW THREE! ABOUT FACE!"

The amount of relief you felt when those words sounded almost brought tears in your eyes. One more step and you would've been next. And needless to say you were not prepared to face the imposing figure that is Keith Shadis at ALL.

Your eyes were able to examine the fresh faces revealed to you as your body turned around to face the opposite direction. Shadis's rite of passage from hell continued with a boy named Thomas Wagner, who had just become the chosen victim of the next row. Armin Arlert stirred beside you. Through the corner of your eye you noticed a sort of relaxation fall over his face, a small bead of sweat trailing down his temple. He seemed as fragile on the inside as he looked on the outside.

Well, he did say he was from the dreaded city of Shiganshina.

You can only imagine what horrors he potentially witnessed first hand. Had he lost someone to the Titans like you? Did he have any family? Was he planning on joining the Survey Corps as well? The inquiries were endless.

He must've noticed you peeking at him for he suddenly glanced over to meet your gaze. His large, blue eyes caught yours for a brief moment before you quickly faced front to evade his stare. You could feel his eyes linger on your form until he too returned his focus to the front.

As you watched the trainees and the interrogation from afar, your mind started to trace back to your family back at home. Images of their distraught faces once you informed them of your decisions filled your thoughts. How upset and furious they were...The familiar feeling of guilt was back again.

\--

"Are you really joining the Survey Corps...?"

Thea trudged into the room you shared with a crestfallen expression. You presumed your mother already told her the news.

"Yeah, I am. I'll be enlisting next month."

Thea climbed up onto your bed and perched herself at the end, hugging her knees close to her chest.

"I see..."

Furrowing your eyebrows, you set aside the novel you were reading and crawled over to the girl, wrapping your arms around her shoulders. You were well aware she was scared. Who wouldn't be? The military was threatening and intimidating with the amount of casualties and responsibilities the job brings. But you felt more than ready to take it on if it meant you could be contributing some good into the world; some effort into the fact that your fighting would guarantee your family's safety.

"You know I'll still be here, right? The training grounds aren't too far from here."

You mumbled as your head rested against Thea's arm. She sighed in response.

"But you won't be... _here_. Who am I supposed to share a room with?"

"That's what you're worried about?"

You commented with a slight laugh. She nudged you with her elbow.

"You know what I mean. What if...something bad were to happen...? What if there's an accident with the equipment they use or what if you get hurt or what if-,"

"Let's just say, if something does happen, you'll be the first to know."

She turned her head to look at you straight on. Her lip quivered as she threw her arms around your form, burying her face in your chest. Your fingers rubbed her back and shoulders as she wept, taking in another wave of guilt for being the cause of this anxiety.

"I just want you to be safe, [First]. That's all I want."

Thea's muffled voice resonated. Closing your eyes, your head leaned against hers.

"...I know, and I will be. Everything will be okay."

Did you know that for certain? Hell, no. But a part of you did genuinely believe it. You've never felt so sure about something your whole life. Ever since the conversation with your mother, your confidence in your decision grew immensely. You knew it was unrealistic to walk up to the training grounds with the belief that everything will turn out your way and life will be perfect. But you liked to think that ultimately, life would somehow turn out okay.

The rest of your sisters weren't as emotional as Thea. Maria being Maria didn't quite fully comprehend the extremeness of what you were about to do, but you still gave her a big hug and a kiss nonetheless. You were going to miss her energy. Clara's reaction was very quiet as she gazed at you with glassy eyes. You gave her the same reassurance and comfort you had given your older sister, hugging her until she came to terms with your situation. The day you made your departure from Karanese was heavy, but you made a promise to your mother that you'd write to them as much as you could. Even if it wouldn't be as often as you'd like, you would always write back to them.

\--

You missed them dearly, and it had only been a few hours. Some maturity, huh? But you weren't going to cower down. You were here and here for good. You were going to join the Survey Corps and murder the bastards that killed your father and caused pain and suffering for everyone. You were going to protect your family and hometown from any danger they ever created.

A small chuckle emitted from your throat.

Blind rage is dangerous. You never let it consume you this much before, but maybe this was the time and place to let it take over. Maybe you could land a place in the top ten. Maybe you would show your instructors you are worthy and strong enough to be a soldier. Maybe-

### "AHEM."

...

...

... _Huh?_

The wind bristled the ground, throwing around tumbleweeds and specs of dirt. Your trainee jacket faintly rustled against your forearms and torso. Your hair danced with the air as it was slightly tousled. It was **quiet.**

** Too quiet. **

Your thoughts had no time to recollect themselves as Keith Shadis stood before you, yellow eyes radiating brighter than ever before. The sunlight shining down on your face was blocked by his looming silhouette, casting a great shadow on the ground. The wrinkles around his eyes creased irritably while he positioned himself. He was pissed.

** "Wanna tell me what the FUCK YOU ARE LAUGHING AT, CADET?!" **

...He had heard your small chuckle from just seconds ago. Damn, his ears were sharp. So much for wanting to show your instructors your worth. You gulped as your right fist slammed over your chest, responding in a clear, committed shout.

"I-I apologize, sir! I was lost in my thoughts and not paying attention! I take full responsibility!"

You fought a long battle to not breakaway from his intense eagle stare. The gaping eyes of your fellow trainee members weighed on your shoulders, including the eyes of Armin Arlert from beside you. Despite all efforts to appear calm and collected, your face reddened, and a sheer layer of sweat formed on your forehead. Keith Shadis pondered over your statement wordlessly, closing his eyes in thought.

Either you managed to spare yourself, or you royally fucked up.

"Lost in thought, huh? Tell me, what is your name, cadet?"

His voice was shockingly even leveled. A facade to conceal his fury, maybe? You were clueless, but with your first still clenched, you lifted your chin.

"[First] [Last] from Karanese District, sir!"

Through the mere sliver of space between Shadis's forearm and torso side, you caught a glance of a girl with black hair tied up in pigtails vaguely perk up. You couldn't inspect any further or accurately for the beast in disguise in front of you cleared his throat. Eyes still shut, he leaned his head back a few inches...

and whammed it against your forehead.

** OW-! MOTHER  FUCK! **

Stars and blurred dots littered your eyesight as your legs wobbled, bringing you harshly to the ground. Clutching your aching forehead, your head screamed curses of pain. That man had a head of steel on his shoulders, one he was NOT afraid to use. Your eyes watered up as you hunched over on the ground. Your body felt like it had been shocked by lightning and run over by a stampede of horses all at once. The fact one man could create such pain with just a meager headbutt spoke tons of volume of who you were dealing with.

###  _ "THIS IS NO TIME TO BE DAYDREAMING, FUCKFACE! IF YOU HAVE TIME TO NOT PAY ATTENTION, THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! UP ON YOUR FEET, PUNK!" _

You watched his steel capped boots stride away to continue the rite of passage, leaving you to your agony. Pressing palms to the rough earth, you pushed yourself up off the ground, legs and arms trembling. A migraine had already begun to form inside your head. Your body felt like it weighed a hundred pounds, refusing to let you stand back up gracefully.

"Do you need help...?"

A hushed whisper voiced out from your right side. Peering up, you noticed Armin had bent down and held out a hand, offering assistance. His voice was soft and gentle as he spoke. Making eye contact, you debated whether or not to accept his proposal. The stubborn side of you played a small part in trying to present a good image in front of Keith Shadis, which got you absolutely no where. So maybe, instead of trying to look strong, you could let yourself be helped. Taking his hand, he pulled you up off the ground, stumbling a little under your added weight.

"...Thank you,"

You uttered as you assumed position, folding your arms behind your back. Your white trousers held patches of dirt and dust around your knees and some parts of your thighs. A bit of an annoyance but you were relieved there were no dirty spots on your, erm, back side.

The rest of the interrogation process flew by at a mortifying pace. You could feel lingering stares on your form after you had composed yourself, yet a boy who saluted with his left arm instead of right and a girl eating a potato shifted the humiliation from you to them. You may have fucked up, but not as bad as they did. Still, seeing those two amongst other trainees who also experienced some embarrassment helped your mood ease up. You didn't feel as bad about yourself for getting called out and headbutted once you saw another boy, Jean Kirschtein, had also suffered the iron forehead of Keith Shadis.

Everyone here possessed their own dedications and reasons for enlisting. On the outside they looked uptight and firm, yet on the inside they were probably just as nervous as you were. That's what you thought, anyway. With so many different individuals, you curiously wondered...

Just who you would get along with.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (sorry this chapter isn't as long but the next chapters are going to be more focused on training so pls stay tuned :0)

"Hello there! I'm Marco Bodt, nice to meet you!"

A sudden, sincere voice broke you out of your daydreams. Looking up, you made eye contact with a tall, dark haired boy with freckles decorating his cheekbones. His raven eyes softened at the sight of you, a warm smile on his features. His presence was certainly very friendly.

Marco Bodt... If you remembered correctly...

_ "I'm Marco Bodt from Jinae in Wall Rose's Southern District, sir! I plan to join the Military Police Brigade and offer myself to the King!" _

He was the one standing next to Jean Kirschtein during introductions, the other poor sod who also suffered a brutal headbutt.

"Oh, hi."

Marco grinned at your response. You were currently perched on a wooden bench inside the mess hall, chewing on some stale bread and vegetable soup. After the instructor had accomplished his mission of scaring the absolute _fuck_ out of everyone, each trainee was dismissed from the grounds and were given the time to unpack their belongings in the dormitories. You took this chance to undress out of the standard uniform and throw on comfortable clothes to eat dinner in. The bunk you had previously decided for yourself was right below a girl named Mina Carolina, who you figured out was the one who brightened up at the mention of Karanese during your pleasant meeting with Shadis. Turns out she was from the same town, which didn't surprise you too much seeing the immense number of cadets.

What confused you, however, was the fact that the bunk to your left had been empty. No sign of anyone's belongings or anything. You figured you would just have to make do with the extra space, not that it was much of a problem.

Dinner began shortly in the mess hall once you and the rest of the 104th trainees settled inside. Grabbing a tray of food, you situated yourself at a table close to the other girls, munching away quietly. At times like this you cursed your brain for feeling introverted around unfamiliar people. Mina Carolina, Hannah Diament, and a few other girls occupied the table right next to your solitary one, engaging themselves in cheerful conversation. That was the moment when Marco Bodt decided to waltz up to you and personally introduce himself.

"You're [First] [Last], right? How is your head feeling?"

You had almost forgotten about the state your forehead was in. When you inspected it in the dorm bathroom, you could pick up on the purple discoloration forming in an uneven circle with a little bit of swelling. Raising two fingers, you gently rubbed the area.

"It's okay...it's a little sensitive, though."

"Shadis hit you pretty hard, huh? Just like Jean over there."

Marco pointed over to a specific table with his chin. Jean was currently conversing amongst his peers, paying no attention to the interaction between you and the freckled boy. From this distance, you could spot a similar mark appearing on his forehead. You chuckled.

"Yeah, it hurt pretty bad. I'm betting the bruise will be here for a few days."

You commented before inhaling a spoonful of soup. Marco stared at you for a few seconds before opening his mouth to speak again, however his chance was stolen abruptly when a blazing uproar sounded throughout the room. Turning over your shoulder, both you and Marco gazed upon a table that was surrounded by a hoard of trainees. You raised your eyebrows at the sight.

Seated at the head of the table was Eren Jaeger, another survivor from the Shiganshina District. You noticed that he was fairly close with Armin Arlert and a girl named Mikasa Ackerman, who was also a refugee from the same city; yet both of them were no where to be found. Connie Springer crouched down at Eren's side, spouting out questions left and right involving the invasion in Shiganshina and the so-called Colossal Titan. The topic of discussion had spiked the curiosity all around, thus led to the herd of trainees you were staring at now.

Marco let out a noise of surprise before rising to his feet and trotting over to join the crowd. Seems like he was just as interested as the rest of the room. In addition, the girls beside you became part of the audience following Marco, throwing out their own queries regarding the Colossal Titan. You felt comfortable sitting in your own space for now, although you couldn't help but eavesdrop.

"How big was it? The Colossal Titan?!"

"I heard it could step over the walls!"

"That's what my family said!"

You couldn't deny, you too were very nosy when it came to information about the wall breach. Back at home, your mother never spoke of the incident or of the Colossal Titan, who was the one responsible for breaching Wall Maria's gate. What really piqued your attentiveness, however, was the Armored Titan who successfully body slammed through the inner wall, which ultimately lead to the abandonment of the outer perimeter.

Something about those two Titans just felt...odd. Their descriptions alone left an unnerving chill down your spine, but you couldn't help but have the suspicion that something was utterly wrong about the Colossal and Armored Titans.

Suddenly the air fell silent when Eren's spoon dropped from his fingers, clanging with the metal bowl of soup in front of him. His hand cupped his mouth tightly as he gulped, eyes widened to the brim. He looked like he was about to hurl. The crowd gazed upon the brunette with uncertainty and concern; perhaps they had overwhelmed him with bringing up a traumatic topic. Marco instantly realized this, turning over to confront the trainees.

"Guys, we should stop. I'm sure we're bringing up memories he doesn't want to remember."

Connie leaned forward.

"We're sorry, we didn't mean to..."

** "You're wrong!" **

You watched in mild astonishment as Eren broke out of his trance and bit harshly into his stale bread. Clenching the loaf in his hand, his eyebrows furrowed and he smirked.

"Titans aren't as bad as they say. Soon, we'll be equipped and training with the 3D Maneuvering Gear, and once that happens, Titans will be absolutely _nothing_."

You weren't sure if Eren had hit his head too hard before dinner or he was just a plain idiot.

Honestly, you couldn't make the judgement on which was more likely.

"I'm finally able to train as a soldier...I just got caught up earlier. I'm going to join the Survey Corps and kill every last Titan there is in this world! **_I'll slaughter them!_** "

Yup, definitely an idiot.

Although there was something about his determination that inspired you. It kind of reminded you of the inner rage you hid inside, wishing too to fight and kill Titans for taking away your father. You weren't embarrassed by the choice of regiment you would join once graduation came, but you definitely weren't the type to brag about a job that guaranteed death.

"Hey, have you lost your mind?"

The voice of Jean Kirschtein interrupted Eren's rant. He joined the discussion from where he sat in his own group of trainees, leaning his cheek on the palm of his hand and showing off a cocky grin. You immediately deduced Jean was going to spout some words of mockery, based off what he said about joining the Military Police during introductions.

"Did you just say the Survey Corps?"

Eren's smirk vanished from his face.

"Yeah, so? You said you wanted to join the Military Police to live an easy life, right?"

So you remembered correctly.

"I'm an honest man, ya know. I figure that's more refreshing than faking bravery when you're really just scared shitless."

Eren rose to his feet as Jean spoke. You could practically feel his seething rage from where you sat.

"Are you talking about me?"

To the right of the brunette, Marco held a worrisome expression, a bead of sweat trailing his forehead. He took a step forward and attempted to intervene.

"H-Hey, guys cut it out."

But his words of reason did absolutely nothing. Jean let out a chuckle as he too stood from the wooden bench of his table.

"Hey, I didn't mean..."

He and Eren trudged over to face each other, Jean slightly towering the brunette with his height. Just before Eren could retaliate, the dinner bell rung silently in the distance, signaling dinnertime was over. And just in time, too. You all were moments away from witnessing a pitiful brawl go down. Jean sighed.

"Well, my bad. I wasn't criticizing you or anything like that. Let's just let it go."

The two-tone haired boy offered his hand to Eren to shake.

"Yeah, I'm sorry too."

With that, the brunette slapped Jean's hand and turned around on his heel to leave. You watched his departure for a few long seconds before returning to your meal that had now grown cold. Finishing your bread and whatever soup you could consume, you arranged your plates neatly on the table and stood up from the bench.

"Going to bed, too?"

Marco questioned as he neared you, standing to your right. Now that you weren't sitting, you were able to take in the fact that he was incredibly tall. SO tall that you barely reached his shoulders. But now that you mentioned it, some of the other boys of the 104th regiment had quite some height as well; or maybe you were just short.

"Yeah...I figured might as well. Dinner's over, anyway."

You responded as you tilted your chin upwards to meet his eyes. He sheepishly grinned.

"That's true. I guess I'll see you tomorrow!"

Nodding your head, you gave him a small smile before sauntering off. As you exited the mess hall, you felt a bit more refreshed, happy even. Marco was nice, and it seemed like he genuinely wanted to be your friend. With it just being the first day, you felt a little relieved that you had already met and conversed with someone new. Back in Karanese, your sisters were the only people you ever played with. Sure the town brought tons of kids your age, but you didn't find any need to bond with them.

So technically speaking, Marco was the first friend you've ever made.

\--

"Hey, do you think Sasha will be back soon?"

Mina Carolina curiously peeked over the edge of her bunk to peer at you from underneath. Lifting your head, you stared at her confusingly.

"Who?"

"Sasha. You know, the potato girl?"

Ohh, the girl who broke position to eat a steamed potato. That girl. Just one mess up and she's already infamous amongst the cadets under the 'potato girl' alias.The thing that surprised you most during that whole ordeal though was how she daringly split the vegetable in half and offered Shadis some. So naturally, he ordered her to run for eight hours.

"Ohh. Uh, maybe? It is a little late..."

"Right? That's what I'm thinking, too. Should we go check on her?"

Just as you were about to answer her the door to the cabin flung open, revealing a short blonde and a tall girl carrying the one and only Sasha Braus, who appeared to be passed out. The blonde was clutching onto a canteen full of water as her blue eyes darted around the room, presumably to find Sasha's bed.

"Does anyone know where Sasha's bunk is?"

Her sweet voice carried throughout the room, silencing any idle chatter. Mina sat up on her own mattress and pointed at the empty space beside you. You raised an eyebrow.

_ Isn't that one just an extra? _

"It's right here, Christa!"

Mina announced. Christa lead the girl holding Sasha over to you, carefully laying her down on the open mattress and taking off her boots. You watched wordlessly as Christa fluffed up Sasha's pillow and covered her body with the sheets. She performed each action with such delicacy and gentleness you almost felt envious.

"That should be good. I'm sure she must be so tired...I'll leave this water here for her."

Christa remarked with a voice of concern, placing the canteen at Sasha's side. The girl who had been carrying Sasha on her back looked at Christa with a blank expression yet raised her eyebrows at the blonde's acts of politeness. The two soon left Sasha to her deep slumber and found their way back to their own beds.

Sasha stirred and groaned beside you. Your eyes drifted over to her sleeping figure, observing her quietly. Mina leaned over the side of the bunk once more. The moment she spotted Sasha she playfully giggled.

"Seems like she really outdid herself, huh?"

Still staring at the resting potato girl, you nodded.

"Mhm. But I guess that's what happens when you eat potatoes."

Mina let out a small laugh.

"You're funny. You're [First], right? You're from Karanese, just like me."

Again, you nodded. Laying back on your pillow you finally turned your eyes away to meet the ones of the upside down girl above you.

"Yeah, that's me. You know, leaning over like that is dangerous; you could fall."

She playfully shook her head.

"If I can't handle this, then how could I ever handle the 3D- WHOA!"

Mina yelped as her body tipped over the side of the bunk and fell hard on the wooden floor. She groaned and whined as she laid stunned on the ground for a few agonizing seconds. You peeked your head out the side and looked down at her.

"I told you!"

A handful of the surrounding girls who witnessed Mina's grand fall bashfully giggled and laughed to themselves. You jumped off the bed and joined Mina on the floor, outstretching a hand for her to take. Soon her shaky hand reached up to meet yours and allowed herself to be pulled up on her feet. A pink shade filled her pale cheeks.

"I didn't think I would actually fall."

"Mhmm."

You grinned at her as the two of you ascended up the ladder and back onto your own beds. As soon as you laid back down, it was time for shut eye and the candles providing light were blown out, filling the cabin with darkness. Pulling the sheets over your body you turned on your side and rested your head comfortably. Sasha murmured something about bread in her sleep behind you. You silently chuckled.

So the vacant bed next to you had belonged to the infamous potato girl after all. You weren't sure if that was a good thing or not.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Warning: mentions of guns/shooting!)

...

...

_ Is this right? _

You stiffly observed the straps that laid criss-crossed over your body, checking your shoulders and the backs of your legs. This morning marked the commencement of training with the full uniform and maneuver gear, beginning with the maneuver balance assessment. The instructors had already issued out each trainee's personal harness and even offered assistance for buckling in the straps. You thankfully had managed to firmly set each buckle into place without too much trouble or help. Peering around the room, you noted that a handful of the girls weren't as lucky as you were. Sasha whined as Mikasa pulled on her back straps and pinned the buckles together, tight and seamless. Christa dutifully checked over her handiwork on Ymir's uniform as well as her own in the mirror. Even the lonesome Annie Leonhart was caught up in conversation with Mina in the corner. As cold as she was, not even Annie could resist the ever cheerful Mina Carolina.

Once each girl had been fitted into her uniform, it was time for breakfast. You were flattered when Mina and Sasha had invited you to accompany them at their table as you all entered the mess hall. You weren't looking forward to another lonesome meal like the night before, although, talking with Marco had eased up the isolation.

"Good morning, [First]!"

Speak of the devil...

"Good morning, Marco."

The freckled boy smiled at your greeting briefly before joining Jean and his own clique at another table. You watched with slight envy. Was this boy ever not happy?

"Are you friends with Marco, [First]?"

Mina perked up from your side. Both her and Sasha followed close behind you on the way to receive your trays of food. You turned to give her a look.

"I guess, he sat with me last night."

Mina grinned playfully.

"Hmm, I see."

You raised a brow. Sasha hummed in content the second the trays of food were in sight. Picking up a loaf of bread and the same soup from dinner, you all set your eyes on an empty table and sat down.

Sitting with Mina and Sasha reminded you a lot of eating meals with your sisters at home. The same feelings your loving family gave you felt very similar to the energies Sasha and Mina radiated, and you soon found yourself more comfortable and vulnerable around them. You allowed yourself to forget the brash reality of training and hard work and instead indulge yourself in idle, innocent conversation about random topics. What your hometowns were like. What your hobbies were. What your favorite foods were. Anything you were willing to talk about.

But alas, like all meals, time was limited, and soon enough the bell had rung to dismiss you all to the training grounds. The first point in your training was to test your balance while suspended in the air, and once passed, you were given the ability to fully train with the whole maneuver gear set. Aside from flying with the gear and practicing Titan killing, hand-to-hand combat, marksmanship, and blade-handling drills were also required for each cadet in order to graduate as a soldier. Thus, your three years as a trainee began smoothly with the passing of the balance assessment, although, the days of living as a trainee were not nicknamed the 'Three Years of Hell' for nothing, and your ever noble instructor Keith Shadis was going to be there with you every step of the way.

\--

### "IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL RUNNING, ARLERT? BECAUSE ALL I SEE IS A PATHETIC MAGGOT ABOUT TO BE EATEN AND BECOME TITAN SHIT! YOU BETTER GET A MOVE ON, ASSHOLE!"

### "LENS, BETTER GET THOSE LEGS MOVING, GIRL! UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE TRAMPLED, I SUGGEST YOU START RUNNING LIKE YOU FUCKING MEAN IT!"

### "FOR SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO JOIN THE MILITARY POLICE, YOU ARE NOT SHOWING A LOT OF PROMISE, KIRSCHTEIN! FUCKING MOVE IT!"

_ This is hell. _

### "ARE TOO BUSY TWIDDLING YOUR THUMBS AND DAYDREAMING TO FUCKING RUN, [LAST]?! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND PICK UP THE PACE!"

**_ Absolute. Hell. _ **

Following the basic drills of balance and getting used to the gear were basic exercises to improve strength, and now here you were, running through the forest alongside your fellow trainees, carrying weighted backpacks and trying very hard not to trip over your feet. Shadis shadowed you and the rest of the trainees on horseback, hollering at anyone who lacked speed or started to let their exhaustion take over, which is where you currently fit in.

Up ahead leading the pack was Mikasa Ackerman and Reiner Braun, who both carried themselves with such grace and perseverance and had not been shouted at once. Not too far behind them was Eren Jaeger, Bertholdt Hoover, Annie Leonhart, and even Marco, who clenched his teeth and strode with fast paced steps in order to keep up. Jean cursed from beside you as he pushed himself more and more in a desperate attempt to out run the trainees surrounding you. And poor Armin served his place as caboose in the way back, making himself a big target for Shadis and his bellowing. You almost felt sorry for him if it wasn't for your screaming body.

It almost seemed like the backpack was growing heavier and heavier with each passing second, readying itself to crush your spine and legs underneath it's weight. The way rankings were going, you were performing very average, and that didn't sit well in your brain. No matter how much you pleaded your legs to carry you faster, they refused to listen, leaving you smack dab in the middle of the hoard of cadets. You wished to be up front, surpassing Mikasa and Reiner and earn the respect of your stone headed instructor, but your wishes went unheard.

Cries of relief echoed through your mind once the running exercise came to an end, however your joy was brief, for Shadis then dismissed you all to hand-to-hand combat, which was also another sport you despised. Before the first drill, a few instructors had gone over basic guidelines and techniques to get you all started as well as ensure safety and prevent any serious injuries. Not many casualties yet, but last time you performed this exercise you could've sworn you saw Bertholdt fly six feet in the air after being paired with Mikasa. A male instructor waltzed up to the front and cleared his throat.

"I will now pair you up. Sasha Braus and Mina Carolina."

 _Aw._ Watching with disappointment, you stared as the two cheerfully greeted each other, waltzing away to an open space.

"Mikasa Ackerman and Jean Kirschtein."

Jean flushed red as Mikasa trudged over to him and soon lead him away.

"Hannah Diament and Franz Kefka."

The two trainees giggled shyly once they heard their names, practically skipping away.

Your eyes trailed over each remaining cadet as more pairs got announced, wondering who your future sparring partner was going to be. The second your gaze landed on Marco, he sent you a timid smile and a wave. You wouldn't mind training with him since you felt more comfortable with his familiarity, although, you couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed at the image. With him being so _friggin' tall_ and everything.

"Eren Jaeger and [First] [Last]."

_ Welp. So much for that idea. _

The brunette turned over his shoulder to meet your eyes. Taking a few steps forward, you began to guide the way over to a vacant area, him following behind. Eren and you haven't spoken much, yet the same could be said for the whole Shiganshina trio. It was only the first week of training and everyone agreed to affectionately refer him as 'the suicidal bastard of the 104th,' a name you too were guilty of calling him by. His whole rant of exterminating every last Titan in the world did sound a bit dramatic and idiotic, but you had to admit, his determination was a little admirable. He was passionate, and that's not something you made fun of him for.

"So, [First], you remember how this goes, right?"

You turned on a heel to face the boy who had already begun stretching his arms out.

"Yeah, I remember."

Neck tilting from side to side, your joints popped and cracked, releasing any tension. You soon moved to your shoulders and knuckles.

"This will be interesting then. I haven't had the chance to see you fight. I did hear about you winning against Connie the other day, you know."

He cracked a grin. Connie and you had sparred the other day, and you had effortlessly won the fight with only a small red mark on ur cheek. Though, Connie'd rather goof off with Sasha than take this practice seriously, so the fight between him wasn't anything much.

"Only because he was too busy messing around. I don't really consider that encounter with him a fight, much less a victory."

You lightly snickered while shrugging your shoulders. Eren raised an eyebrow.

"Oh? Then, if you win against me, will you consider this fight a victory?"

He rose his fists in front of face, bracing himself for battle. Extending your right foot back, you bent your legs in a semi lounge, holding your clenched knuckles up to your chest.

"Depends on how it goes."

With that, you crouched down as Eren leaped forward with a sharp fist aimed directly at your cheek, barely grazing the top of your head. Before he could gather himself you stood up and slammed your head against his chin, throwing his face backwards. His feet toppled off balance allowing you to swipe a punch of your own, hitting him in the center of his chest. He coughed and heaved, taking a few seconds to catch his breath. You gritted your teeth in slight pain.

_Oww ow ow ow! Head butting someone always have repercussions; noted, got it, won't forget it._

This was solely the reason you disliked the combat drills. The end result was always the same, both parties scuffed up and bruised. The techniques and skills you've picked up have served you well, nonetheless. The head-chin collision you performed just now came from Keith Shadis himself, inspired from the infamous attack he so graciously showed you the day of initiation.

Throughout the week you soon figured out your strengths; ironically, fighting was something you were kind of good at. Stamina was still an issue, hence the running nightmare you experience earlier, and marksmanship was not a favorite. On the contrary, soaring with the 3D gear was a feeling you never wanted to let go of. It was a common, popular belief amongst the trainees to enjoy practicing with the equipment, but you ranked it higher above anything you've ever appreciated in life. The thrill was so exhilarating you swore you forgot you were a mere human each time you flew.

_** WHAM ** _

A heavy fist whacked the side of your head, knocking you to the ground.

...And you so much rather be doing that than to be fighting with Eren Jaeger right now.

"Oi, you're not daydreaming on me, are you?"

Eren's boots trudged over to your fallen form. You weakly glared at the leather boots planted in front of you.

"...No. I felt like coming down here."

You uttered stubbornly. Eren sighed.

"Shadis will lose his shit on you if you don't get up anytime soon."

"Ok, I'm up. I'm up."

\--

A small aching had started to bother the right side of your face once it was time for marksmanship drills. The upside? This marked the halfway point of your training for the day, meaning soon it would just be sets of cardio to deal with. And fortunate enough for you, Marco, who had been outshining everyone in this practice, stood right next to you, cheerfully readying his firearm. Somehow him smiling so contently while holding a deadly weapon did not stir you the right way.

The cutout of a human figure was positioned in front of you as a target. Pulling back the trigger of your personal gun, you raised up the weapon and closed one eye to aim.

**_ BANG _ **

A bullet cut the wood seamless in the left shoulder. You lowered the firearm. Staring at the small hole the bullet had created, you began to readjust your grip and aim, and readied yourself to shoot once more.

"Hey, [First]? Hold on a second."

Marco's voice halted your actions. You raised an eyebrow and turned over to glance at him when he trotted over to you.

"What..? Is something wrong?"

You interrogated as he examined your stance and your hold on the rifle. He silently circled around your body making his way to your frontside. Eyes never leaving the firearm, he then hummed.

"You're holding it wrong."

_...Huh? _

"Pardon?"

You blinked at him. Marco softly chuckled.

"Lemme see your aim."

"..Okay,"

Slowly lifting up the rifle, you made sure it felt comfortable in your hands before leaning your cheek on the side, closing an eye. A slight blush overcast your cheeks when you caught Marco's lingering stare.

"Now what."

The boy moved your right elbow upwards and rearranged your finger position on the trigger, making sure it was a firm grip rather than the soft one you originally held.

"There. Your elbow had to be more leveled with your shoulders, and you had a weak hold. Try it now."

He stepped away from your weapon, giving you space to shoot, and sure enough...

**_ BANG _ **

...A clean shot right in the forehead.

Your mouth slightly hung open, eyes wide.

"Woah...That actually worked."

Glancing over at Marco, he grinned at your shocked expression. With that, he turned around to make his leave back to his own post before any instructor caught him "slacking off." You watched as he trudged away, a few questions and wonders running through your mind. Marco had done nothing but surprise you since your first conversation with him, and yet he continued to do so. Your eyebrows faintly furrowed in confusion.

"Why are you so nice to me?"

Marco paused. You could tell your curiosity had thrown him off guard. He didn't respond for a few seconds before he met your seeking eyes with his dark ones.

"That's kind of a hard question to answer, [First]."

He sheepishly smiled. You tilted your head, clearly bewildered.

"There's no real reason. We're friends, and friends treat each other nicely, right?"

Your eyes trailed off to the side.

"Yeah, but...even when you first talked to me, you've been overly nice to me. You didn't know who I was."

Marco hummed.

"I figured with joining the military I could take another leap of faith and talk to new people the first day of training. I mean, how could I ever serve the King if I don't know how to introduce myself?"

He let out a small laugh. A small grin formed on your face. Marco turned his body sideways, facing his cutout target and prepared his gun.

"And...I saw you sitting by yourself, and you looked really sad and alone. I thought talking to you could help you feel more at ease. Did I read that situation wrong?"

His voice sounded worried, making you snap your head in his direction. He almost looked guilty from where you stood. _Did he really think I was mad at him for talking to me?_

"No, of course not! It was nice to talk to someone...I'm glad you did, Marco. Thank you."

Peering at you over the rifle, you could spot his warm eyes and signature smile. You found yourself smiling back at him the same way.

"That's good to hear."

**_ BANG _ **

\--

By the time it was ready for lights out, your body weighed down on itself like a pile of lead, refusing to move. Your muscles ached and the harness had left lines of bruises all over your frame. Only one week out of three years and you were debating if joining the survey corps was truly worth it if you were going to feel this tired all the time. Laying face down on your stomach, your eyes slowly fluttered shut in a soft attempt to rest, waiting for the other girls to fit themselves for bed.

"Hey, [First], look what I have."

Sasha practically moaned from beside you. It took every will power in you to simply turn your weak head to face her.

"I saved a piece of bread from dinner! I swiped it off of Mikasa's plate. She didn't even notice!"

Sasha's lips drooled as she soon began to devour the loaf rapidly, crumbs flying onto her face and mattress. You watched the scene with a lazy stare, not giving a care in the world about the mess she was making.

"Sasha. What are you eating?"

Mikasa's piercing voice cut the relaxing moment in half, startling both you and the girl beside you. She had been caught red-handed.

"Oh, yknow...jush a schnack."

Sasha pitifully spoke with the bread still in her mouth. You rotated your head uneasily to peek up at the raven-haired girl who stood behind the ladder leading up to Mina's bunk.

"I remember specifically having a piece of bread with my dinner. Do you know what happened to it?"

You couldn't tell if Mikasa was genuinely upset with Sasha or if she was messing around. Honestly, you had no idea which was more likely. Or more scary.

"I..uh, ya know. I-"

Sasha fumbled over her words in a panic. This wasn't the first time the potato girl had been confronted by someone who fell victim to her food thievery crimes. You had to give her some credit, though. She was bold enough to ask Annie and Mikasa, the two scariest people in probably the whole regiment, to share their meals and that had to take some guts. But seeing her cower like this in front of Mikasa made you feel a need to rush to her aid, similar to how you would cover for your sisters back in your family home. So, without a second thought...

"I ate it."

You covered for her. Sasha made a noise of shock at your words, knowing full well she was the one who committed the crime. Mikasa too looked surprised, eyes darting over to your tired form.

"I'm sorry. I apologize for Sasha too because even though I took your bread, she originally thought of the idea."

You couldn't help it; she diiid have to learn her lesson one way or the other. Mikasa stared at you silently before closing her eyes, letting out a sigh.

"Make sure to eat your own food next time."

Turning over her heel, the girl sauntered off back to her own bunk, situating herself on the mattress comfortably.

"[First]! You saved me! But why? You knew it was me."

Sasha clung to you with a dramatic cry, arms wrapped around your shoulders. You held onto her forearm affectionately.

"I've done this before with my sisters, so it's no big deal. You should probably stop stealing Mikasa's bread, though. She actually seemed a little sad."

Sasha sat back down on her bed and wiped her face clean of bread crumbs.

"I know, but I can't help it! It's just so good."

You beamed at the girl. You knew of her village's food shortage and hunting past; she had opened up to you about it the day you ate breakfast with her and Mina. That same morning you spoke of your mother and sisters in Karanese, though you kept the thought of Sasha and Mina reminding you of them a secret.

Your smile fell when the thought of your family crossed your mind. You hadn't had the chance to write to them yet, and you were unsure on exactly who to ask to receive paper for the letter and where to send it off. You guessed a higher up would reveal this information to you and the trainees, but no information thus far.

"Well, I'm pooped. I'm going to bed. Goodnight, [First]."

Sasha turned her back to you and laid her head on her arm. Quiet snores emitted from her a few seconds later. The cabin was soon left in the dark as the candle blew out, signaling it was time for sleep. You couldn't thank the timing any better, for as soon as you laid back down on your stomach, you were out.


	5. Chapter 5

Your mind took you back to your family home while you slept. Images of your beloved sisters and mother flashed behind your eyelids, almost convincing you wholly that they stood right in front of you, only mere inches away. Reaching out, you struggled to touch them. To hug them, to reassure their worries and fears about you becoming ill or wounded. You longed for your mother's caring embrace and comfort including her sheltering habits, as she always coddled you whenever you felt tired or hurt in any way. You knew for a fact if she saw the bruise on your face from Eren's punch she would've tried to go after the boy herself.

And of course you missed your dear sisters, too. Heck you even missed Maria's early morning dances and sporadic bursts of energy. You could only hope Thea wasn't feeling too lonesome in the now unshared room that used to be yours. Those blissful walks through town seemed like a distant memory instead of a week prior to your enlistment, and you would do anything to skip out on harsh training for _just a day _to go visit. Homesickness was definitely an event you didn't account for upon your decision for joining the military. You didn't realize how much you would long for your sweet family until you had been away from them for only a few days.

_ "[First]! Are you awake yet?!" _

_ "Wake uuuup!" _

_ "We'll drag you out of bed again!" _

Great, now you were hallucinating. The voices so familiar to you resonated in your head as if the ones speaking stood over your sleeping form. But surely that wasn't the case, right?

_ "[Firsttt] come on!" _

_ Maria...? _

It was pitch black in the room where you laid comfortably. The door flew open and your three sisters toppled over each other with excitement, yelling and prancing around. Thea pulled away the curtains shielding the window as Clara and Maria hopped up onto your bed, shoving you awake.

_ "[First!] Do you remember what day it is?" _

_ Oh...It's Maria's birthday. _

Memories of Maria's seventh birthday laid themselves out in front of your eyes, replaying conversations you engaged yourself in over the breakfast meal and the trip to the postal office to deliver your father another handwritten letter. While the flashback felt fuzzy as any regular dream, you could've sworn you were able to feel your mother's arms around your form before dismissing you to bed.

_ This...was a normal dream, right? _

_ Right...? _

Just after your mother spoke the words "goodnight," you couldn't see her anymore. It was as if she vanished in thin air right before you. Thea, Clara , and Maria were no where to be found. They had left you, alone, in a pit of darkness. Your vision wavered with tears as you desperately searched for any light that could pull you out of the cold, black abyss. No one answered your cries. Your family never came back. You were by yourself. No comfort. No warmth. No safety.

** You were alone. **

Covering your face with shaky fingers, you wept for what felt like hours. Your chest heaved with pain and guilt, cursing yourself for ever walking away from your family. The choice you convinced yourself was the right one. Even now, in the back of your mind, you doubted if training to become a soldier was your destiny. You believed with your whole heart that it was, but there was a lingering doubt that frightened you. **_What if it wasn't?_**

**_ What if your family hated you for leaving them? What if your father damned you for following his footsteps, a path he never wanted you to go down? What if your future was as dark and lonely as the abyss you were floating in now? _ **

You were sinking in a sea of despair, second guessing every motive and decision you've made throughout your entire life. But wait... What about your reason for fighting? What motivated you to get up on your feet and strive to become number one in the class?

_ Oh...that's right... _

_ I almost completely forgot. _

All of sudden, your fingers halted their trembling. The unlit darkness that surrounded you began to wither away the second a bright white light broke through. Your eyes winced, already adjusted to the dimness and not used to the beacon-like substance shining down on you. Your anxieties faded and your doubts about becoming a soldier disappeared with them. Somehow, the confidence you previously felt the moment before enlisting flooded back in your system, providing your body with the same security and consolation you desired from your mother. You weren't afraid anymore. You were far from it. And if you listened close enough, you could almost hear the voices from your sisters again!

_ Wait...That sounds more like... _

"[Firsttt]~ Time to wake up!"

...Your own bunkmate.

"Come on, we're practicing with the 3D gear all day today! And if we don't hurry, all the food will be gone!"

Sasha rocked your body gently with her hands. You groaned as your eyes peeled themselves open, wincing at the candlelight that filled the room. Similar to the beacon of light you had witnessed in your dream..

_...What even was that. _

"Helloo [First]? Cannn youu hearr-WAH!"

Without a word, you shoved your pillow in Sasha's face.

\--

Keith Shadis stood at the entrance to the forest patiently waiting for you and the rest of the 104th cadets to line up and commence the 3D training. On his mark, he set you all free to the skies and into the towers of trees, following behind on his own set of gear to inspect. Today was a day dedicated solely to drills and Titan-target practices, as well as training your endurance and stamina. As long as you were off your feet, you were more or less thrilled.

You and the rest of 104th sat through a heavy detailed lecture on 3D maneuver gear safety the first day of flying, mentioning rules that must be obeyed and if broken could cause severe injuries and possible death. Naturally no one started off completely acing the gear, but there hadn't been any real life-threatening events crash on anyone. Yet.

But that's not what was on your mind currently. No, all you wanted to do was to lose your sense of reality to the wind blasting on your face and hair and the trees that hovered over the forest floor. The wires of your gear zipped seamlessly from trunk to trunk as you flew in search of any targets. You could hear Sasha's laughter in the distant right along with Connie and Jean's loud voices. The three of them tended to indiscriminately group together during these types of exercises, you noted. Up ahead you could spot the famous Shiganshina trio, close-knit as ever. Somewhere far off you could hear the occasional yell of a stay trainee who crash landed into a tree brach. Surprisingly, that happened a lot. It was during these beginning times where trainees who weren't fit for the positions of soldiers fall out and return to their hometowns. Flying with the maneuver gear was a prime example of this.

As you turned sharply along a corner, you could see the familiar wooden cut-out of a 15-meter Titan just a few seconds ahead, the nape of the neck clean of wounds. You readied your swords from their sheaths and accelerated your gas, picking up on speed. Darting your eyes side to side, there were no other trainees spotted. You were alone. Raising up your swords, you prepared yourself.

_ Just a little bit more... _

"HAH!"

You shouted as your swords rapidly brought down on the neck, carving a precise cut on the Titan. The wood tumbled to the dirt below. A perfect kill.

A tiny grin of triumph grew on your face as you left the Titan behind to pursue the hunt. Just as you glided along aimlessly, you heard the familiar sound of wires on your left emerge closer and closer. Whipping your head to the sound you were met with the face of Mina, who greeted you with a bright smile.

"Hey [First]! Mind if I tag along?"

You teasingly rolled your eyes.

"You just want to steal my kills, don't you."

Mina let out a dramatic gasp.

"Noo, why would I want to do that? Can't we just hangout like the friends we are?"

You pressed on the gas trigger and propelled forward in an attempt to out-fly the girl.

"Nope. I don't trust you."

Your voice playfully called out to her from over your shoulder. She huffed as she zipped herself away from you.

A little while after your brief encounter with your comrade, you spotted another Titan in the distance. The size was a bit shorter than the last, standing at around 10-meters, and just like before, the nape stood completely unscathed. Seems like luck was on your side today. Gripping onto your swords, you launched your hook grabbles and braced yourself to make the cut.

**_ SHIIING _ **

...Only for your kill to be taken by no one other than Mina Carolina.

"HAHAHA! Sorry [First]! I couldn't resist!"

You released your hooks from the cutout and into the tree trunk beside you, causing you to softly swing as you stared at the cackling girl flying away. A scoff of disbelief left your parted lips.

_ Well played, Mina. Well played. _

\--

Carrying on throughout the day, you managed to land a total of seven Titan kills, which was good considering you did most of the hunting solo as opposed to grouping with other trainees. But, despite that fact, a part of you still felt...unsatisfied. Pressure of wanting to come out on top weighed heavy on your shoulders, and it was starting to prick at your mind. Unintentionally you compared yourself to certain figures such as Mikasa and Annie, even Sasha and Mina at some points. There were various times you tried to push those thoughts out of your head and focus on training, but they somehow kept crawling back.

As you pushed through more and more weeks of military life, these mindsets worsened, and so did your performances. Your Titan kills soon decreased to one or two, three if you were lucky, and each sparring match resulted in you badly beaten and your opponent not producing a single sweat. Your meals usually were left abandoned with only a few bites taken out of them. This occurrence was unlike anything you'd ever experienced, and it scared you. Did anyone else feel the same? Were you the only one afraid? Were you all alone in this too, just like in your dream...?

Noise. All you could hear was loud, blatant noise. The chatter that crowded the mess hall could not be distinguished clearly inside your head. Everything felt... fuzzy and unknown. Your lazy eyes stared at the now cold soup and piece of bread laid out on the table, still gripping onto a metal spoon. Somehow in that moment, you didn't quite grasp just how tired you were. The day consisted of the ordinary routine, but for some odd reason, the usual weariness doubled on your mental and physical state. There was nothing more you desired than to slump down on your bed and rest. But of course, dinner came first. You thought so, at least.

"[First], did you see what happened today? I was training with Connie, and we came up with this new fighting technique! I swear it's like we can read each other's minds or something."

Sasha plopped your bread into your mouth. You didn't even notice.

"Also, last night I had this weeird dream. I was back at home in the forest, and I was hunting with my father like the ol' days, but then this huge bear came out of nowhere...and then..."

The Dauper girl's story faded through your ears into the files of your brain. Honestly, you were shocked your friendships remained in tact throughout this long episode. Sasha was the type of person who found joy in shooting the breeze, and if you remaining mute and playing the role of 'listener' made her happy then what was the harm? She was never the observant kind so naturally she wasn't too keen on your non-speaking habits. You couldn't vouch for anyone else, however.

One night you finally made the decision to skip dinner and go to bed early. You had hope that maybe all this would go away with just one good night's rest, but deep down you detected doubt. Swinging open the wooden door, you stared at the dark, empty barrack void of your roommates. No late night gossip. No giggling. No excitement. Just a plain room. Your eyebrows furrowed. Seeing the bunks like this seemed...wrong. Uncomfortable. You couldn't sleep like this. A puff of air flew out your nose as you shut the door.

_ Well, now what. _

_ I could go to dinner, but... _

Perching yourself on one of the wooden steps, you wrapped your arms around your pulled up knees, letting your chin lean against your kneecaps. You figured...in the meantime, you were content with this alone time. Perhaps that's what you needed. A break from all the noise that surrounded you. A break from Sasha's nonstop conversations--albeit you did appreciate her company--and the ruthless spar matches and criticism from your instructor. Not to mention all the note taking and lectures you had to sit through in the classroom to learn more about the walls and Titans.

Raising your hands to rest on your head, your eyelids drooped until closed, drowsiness taking control. For some odd reason, as you shut your eyes, your thoughts drifted over to Marco. The sweet, freckled boy had made an effort to check up on during these times, and he often assisted you during firearm practice. You appreciated him a lot. You found yourself looking forward to the conversations the two of you would have over meals and during off days. He was becoming someone you trusted deeply, and you've reflected on whether you should bring up the topic of your episode around him.

Would you even be able to talk about it though..?

"[First]...?"

_...? _

Lifting your head, you met the concerned gaze of Armin Arlert, who stood a few feet away from the porch. Surprisingly, he wasn't making the trip to the mess hall alongside his customary clique. You couldn't hide the tiresome expression that casted over you features. His large blue eyes detained worry when you rose up to face him.

"...Hey Armin."

You weakly responded to his concern.

"Aren't you heading to dinner?"

His head tilted after beckoning to the direction of the mess hall. You shook your head.

"No, I'm okay. I'm not hungry."

Your lips sprouted a faint smile in an attempt to reassure the blonde, but he saw through your transparency. He frowned as his shoulders slumped.

"You should eat something. Skipping meals isn't good for you..."

There was no fooling him. Armin's high intelligence levels granted him multiple gifts, and being able to see through your facade was one of them. Though, you weren't putting too much effort into pretending you were okay at the moment. You were too tired to even do that.

"I'm fine, really. You should go; I'm sure Eren and Mikasa are wondering where you are."

Armin continued to stare at you with an unconvinced expression. His eyebrows furrowed as he trudged over to the steps and perched himself next to you, resting his arms on his knees and looking off to the dark forest in the distance. Following his movements, you too gazed upon the darkness in front of you. The two of you sat in silence for a few moments without a sound minus the faint crickets and wind. You questioned the blonde boy's motive. Did he feel the same way you did...? Did he also seek comfort and some time away from all the 'noise'?

You and Armin hadn't bonded much over the past few weeks, only having small conversations here and there, but he was always as kind as ever. It was the most notable feature about him in your opinion. Ever since he helped you back on your feet after being struck in the forehead the day of enlistment, he's sort of stuck out to you in a way. His friendships were definitely a bit, interesting, considering the outspoken, feisty person that was his best friend. Mikasa was a woman of few words, but you could tell her and Armin got along fairly well and based on what you saw of their interactions, the two spent more time together prying Eren out of trouble than anything else.

You did admire him, though. He was top of the class in academics, and although his physical strength was nothing compared to other soldiers, his perseverance and stubbornness always got him back on track no matter how many times he was knocked down. Some trainees condescendingly peer at him and make fun of his lack of a strong physique, but that never seemed to slow him down. At least, from what you saw. But now, sitting right next to him and seeing up close how soulful his eyes appeared, you deduced that he was hiding his feelings, too. Just like what you've been doing.

"...Are you sad, [First]?"

Armin didn't meet your lurking gaze. He clenched his sleeves tightly as he continued to stare forward. You were slightly taken aback from the question, but it made you curious. Yes, you were sad. You missed your family deeply. You felt enormous pressure on raising to the top ten, not just for yourself but for your loved ones. You wanted your mother to feel proud of you. You wanted her to not fear for you as she did for your father. You wanted to reassure her and your sisters that you were capable of fighting by graduating in the top ten. You wanted to confront all their fears and crush it right in front of them. But you didn't even know if you were capable of doing just that. Everything felt so unsure to you it was driving you crazy.

But, was all of this simply...a reaction to sadness? Was that all this was?

Resting your tiresome head on your knees, you responded.

"Yes."

Your curiosity slowly grew. You wanted to know if he was the same as you. But could you possibly discuss the depth of your feelings and fears to Armin...? Would he be able to help you through it? Could you even trust him...?

"Are you sad, too?"

Still refusing to meet your eyes, the boy nodded. So he was hiding it after all.

"Can I make the assumption we're both sad over similar reasons?"

Armin finally turned his head towards you, his face grim and stern. You quietly mused over his inquiry. _Similar reasons...?_

Well, that is to be expected.

Life as a soldier was a job weighed with trauma and deaths of comrades, who wouldn't be depressed about that. 

It was no surprise Armin was unhappy, you realized. The entire regiment must be experiencing some form of what you had been dealing with. The two most cheerful girls you'd ever met, Mina and Sasha, must also miss their family deeply and wish to be home but instead chose to train here and learn how to fight. For all you knew, those two could be crying themselves to sleep every night and you wouldn't have a single clue due to their ability to conceal their despair behind smiles. Your eyes widened when that single fact came up in your mind.

You uttered a 'yes' to Armin's question. Somehow, you began to feel less heavy in your chest. You almost wanted to laugh at your density. There was no way you were the only one in this dark abyss. This blonde boy right beside you was waking up with fears and anxieties of his own, and you were certain so did your roommates. Hell, even number one Mikasa Ackerman must be fighting off her own battles. The thought of another person understanding the dim emotions that plagued your mind brightened your mood. You weren't alone. 

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Armin gave you a look of solace, his eyebrows creased with worry. Your face fell to stare at your hands. There was no harm in talking about it, right...? If he understood what emotions filled your mind, then perhaps...you could trust him. Maybe you'd be able to bring this up with Marco, Sasha, and Mina, too.

"...Yes."

Your mouth released the gate of your pent up feelings, revealing the deep insecurities and horrors that had been taunting you. And once all was out in the open, you listened to Armin speak up about his own set of problems. From those long minutes of allowing each other to communicate clearly, you learned some things about the blonde you hadn't known before. For instance, you were told about his passed grandfather, the fall of Wall Maria, and his constant fear of becoming a burden to others. He showed you a side of him that hadn't been displayed to you, and you returned the favor.

After the two of you had finished spilling your thoughts, you both shared a smile. A huge load levitated from your shoulders, freeing you from the darkness you swore would never leave and your lungs took in a breath of relief. Glancing at Armin, it was safe to say he was as content as you were. His eyes shone with a new gleam of hope and his face relaxed from any tension he had been holding in. Seems like the decision to skip dinner had benefited you two after all.

"Thank you for listening to me. I feel a lot better now."

You grinned as you hugged your knees closely. Armin bashfully turned his head away.

"I'm glad! And thank you, too! A weight has definitely been lifted off of me."

You hummed in agreement, the smile on your face slightly growing.

Breaking through the clouds, the grand moon shone down on you and Armin, overtaking the golden glow of the torch beside the cabin and embellishing you in a white blanket of light. You both perked up and stared at the sky in awe. The sky sported millions of bright stars that twinkled alongside the floating rock and for a second you could've sworn a shooting star flew by. The sight of the beautiful night sky warmed your heart even more, causing a pink blush to form on your cheekbones.

"Hey! There you are! Where have you been? We were worried."

Disrupting the peaceful silence was no one other than Sasha Braus, and following behind was Mikasa and Eren. Further back you noticed that the mess hall was now dim and the rest of the trainees were exiting the building to get ready for bed. Amongst the crowd you spotted Marco walking with Jean, who for a few seconds turned his head side to side as if he was searching for someone.

"Armin, [First], how come you didn't come to dinner?"

Eren interrogated as the three came to a halt in front of the steps. Sasha placed her hands on her hips, tilting her head at the scene. You shrugged your shoulders.

"We weren't hungry."

Armin glanced at you through his peripheral vision before nodding in agreement to the trio that towered over you. You didn't admit the real reason why you two were absent from the mess hall because the conversation between you and Armin was personal and private and you didn't want to share those details with anyone else. Based on Armin's reaction, he felt the same way.

"It's not good to skip meals. You need to eat."

Mikasa remarked, her penetrating stare through your eyes. Armin sheepishly chuckled.

"We'll be fine! We'll be at breakfast tomorrow. Goodnight, [First]."

The blonde rose up from the wooden steps to make the trip back to the boys' barracks with Eren, giving you a wave. You smiled as you wished him a goodnight as well. Mikasa solemnly watched her childhood friends depart before entering the cabin, leaving you and Sasha to yourselves. As you stood up on your feet, Sasha clapped two hands on your shoulders.

"What did you and Armin talk about?! I never see you two hangout!"

Sasha's shout caused you to softly giggle. One dinner away and you had already missed her presence. Maybe you had gotten used to her being around a little tooo much. Placing your hands on your cheeks, you dramatically sighed.

"We were... _gossiping! "_

Sasha gasped and raised her eyebrows.

"What! About what?! Tell me tell me tell me-,"

You shook your head.

"That's classified information. Unless you were there, you don't get to know."

You lightly flipped a strand of hair before snickering at the potato girl's face. You knew she was nosy and loved to gossip, hence her desperation for information on you and Armin's conversation. But you already made the decision to not speak about what was discussed with anyone, so you thought it would be fun to mess with her.

"[Firstttt] that's mean."

Sasha's arms fell to her sides and the two of you made your way inside the barrack and towards your bunk.

"How about this: next time we gossip, we'll remember to invite you."

You proposed as you climbed up the ladder to your bed. Sasha let out a 'yahoo', flopping back on her mattress and smiling widely. Another laugh emitted from your lips.

The grim episode of despair had ended, and although you knew it would crawl back in a matter of time, you knew how to deal with it. You figured out that bottling it all up and refusing to acknowledge it only made the feeling worse, and next time it got bad, you could rely on those close to you for help. That was a conclusion you and Armin had reached; to not hide your emotions away and learn that confronting the problem was okay. It was okay to let yourself be vulnerable and trust your comrades, not only in battle, but outside the uniform as well.

You slept like a log that night. No nightmares invaded your slumber and woke you up every hour. By morning, your body felt refreshed and energized for the first time in days, and you were filled with excitement to begin training. Your change in attitude must have been noticed by those around you because during breakfast, more trainees greeted you and inquired you on your well being. Marco beamed at you when you spoke to him upon entering the mess hall and even sat at your table instead of his usual spot with Jean.

You felt like everything was coming back to normal. You continued to grow stronger and learn more with each passing week, and before you knew it, you had been a cadet for a whole month and a half. A whole six weeks without seeing your family. But you couldn't let yourself dwell on how much time you spent apart from them; instead you reminded yourself constantly your reason for fighting and for joining the military in the first place. You were determined to not fall down into that dark abyss again, and with every day, you found yourself growing farther and farther away from those dim feelings.

You were going to make sure you never felt alone again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (just a forewarning i did improvise on the lore just a bit since not much is known about the families of marco and mina :( but nontheless! i hope you enjoy :>)

Today was a special day.

It was the day you were finally sending a letter off to the Karanese District to reach your family and you could hardly contain your excitement. As soon as a letter had made way into your hands, your fingers refused to stop jotting down each detail of your life since your departure from home, not including the dark emotions you had previously experienced.

Mina suggested making the trip to the postal office with you, holding letters of her own, to which you happily agreed. There was a small time slot in between training and lunch where the two of you decided to head off to send the mail. A few other trainees seemed to harbor the same intentions as you noticed a small group trailing behind you.

"I hope my mom isn't worried about me too much. You know she's super protective of me? I'm surprised she let me join in the first place."

Mina's comment caused you to chuckle.

"My mom's the exact same way. Although, she has my sisters at home, so she's not too lonely."

Glancing down at the envelope in your grasp, you simpered. An off day was creeping up in a few weeks as well, so you might be able to visit with Mina. Having someone from the same town as you would definitely make the trip more enjoyable.

"Hey guys! Are you sending a letter, too?"

Marco strolled up to walk beside you, greeting you both with his best Sunday smile. Mina perked up.

"Yep! We're both sending mail to our families in Karanese. I assume you're doing the same?"

The freckled boy hummed in response, moving his gaze forward.

"I'm mailing this to my parents, but also to my grandpa. He lives off in the woods near Dauper."

You tilted your head at his sentence. Marco didn't speak of his family too much; all you ever heard him speak of were his parents, but no word about his grandfather.

"What about you, [First]?"

The boy interrogated.

"I'm sending this letter to my mom and my sisters,"

Marco's eyes slightly widened.

"You have sisters? How many?"

"Um, three..."

You were a bit confused at his enthusiasm. His face was contorted to an expression of curiosity and bewilderment.

"Woah...See, I'm an only child, and I've always dreamed on what it would be like to have siblings. That's very neat."

You raised a brow and slightly laughed.

"It's not that neat. To be honest, they're kind of a hassle. But I do miss them."

Mina nudged you playfully with her elbow.

"Aww! You're getting soft on us, [First]."

Your eyebrows furrowed, cheeks glowing pink.

"Shush."

Before long, the postal office cabin came into view, and the three of you informed the location of your personal letters and left the envelopes in the workers' care. The elation you felt on hearing back from your mother and sisters created a warm feeling in your chest. You wondered endlessly on what they would write back. For a few days afterwards, you constantly checked in on the mail to see if you had received a response until one day when an envelope addressed to you laid perfectly in the mail slot, waiting to be opened. Instantly, you tore open the paper, eagerly reading the words written down.

_ Dearest [First], _

_ I hope you have been doing well in your training and have been staying healthy. I'm sure they are keeping you soldiers well fed so I am not too worried about that. Your sisters and I miss you terribly. Our meal times are not the same with an empty chair, but we know you are working hard for our sake. You are a very brave girl, and I am so proud of you. You remind me very much of your father, and I know he is proud to have a daughter as tough as you. Your sisters are very proud of you, too. Maria has begun practicing her flower crown making skills and she says she will make a bundle for you for when you come visit. Thea has started work in a bakery in the main square to save up some money and Clara studies hard every day with all the books you used to read. We all are doing just fine, so please don't worry about us too hard. Continue to work hard and come visit as soon as you can! We love you so very much. _

_ Love, _

_ Mom _

Tears quickly gathered in your eyes after reading the sweet words your mother had written down. Clutching the paper, you held it to your chest protectively. Soon you'd be able to see them again, even if it was just for a day. You'd have to make sure to treasure all the time you had with your lovely family.

Later that evening, you stowed the letter back in its envelope and set it neatly inside your box of belongings underneath the bed frame, sealing the lid shut. You noticed Mina had received word back from her loved ones as well, as she gazed upon the piece of paper in her fingers with adoring eyes. Your heart ached at the sight of the female trainees who did not have any envelopes of their own and instead simply got ready for bed, ignoring the ones who were beaming about their families. Even Sasha didn't hear back, although you were unsure if she sent a message to her father in the first place. If she was saddened by lack of response, she definitely didn't show it.

If anything, she seemed even more hyper than normal.

Leaping up onto your shared bunk, she yanked out her hair tie and let her brown hair free from its tight hold, massaging her aching scalp. Her hair was incredibly long, falling a little bit above mid back. You were surprised she managed to keep up with it instead of chopping it all off like Mikasa did the first night. Every time she combed out her locks you couldn't help but stare; it was very pretty and the color almost blended into a reddish brown. Back at home, your elder sister Thea had taught you a few different ways how to style hair, including braiding and some updos. She and your mother were always wanting you to become more lady-like, however, their plans didn't influence your upbringing much.

You enjoyed braiding, though. It was a fun past time hobby and they always turned out elegantly, so you figured since there was a bit before lights out, maybe you could practice your skills on your bunkmate.

"Hey Sasha? Can I braid your hair?"

"Hmm? Yeah, sure. I didn't know you could braid."

Sasha scooted over to sit criss-cross at the foot of your mattress while you sat up on your knees. Grabbing the brush you ran the bristles through her hair before splitting it into two chucks, parting the locks down the middle.

"My sister taught me at home. I don't really do it on my hair though because my arms get too tired."

Separating three individual strands, you began over laying the hairs to create a nice dutch braid.

"You can braid?! Can you do my hair after you're done?"

Mina leaned over the edge of her bed to peer at you two, a wide grin on her face. You returned the smile.

"Sure, come sit down here."

You patted the mattress next to you gently as she hopped onto the ladder and onto your side of the bunk. Now seated beside you, her eyes observed the way your fingers weaved the hairs together to form a pattern all the way down Sasha's head. Within minutes you were done with one side and began working on the other. Sasha's eyelids closed as she sighed in content.

"It feels really nice. No one's really played with my hair."

Sasha hummed, her head gently swaying side to side.

"Maybe I can braid your hair more often then. ...Anddd done!"

Using a hair tie, you tied the second braid in place and admired your work. Mina lightly clapped her hands together.

"Do me now!"

Taking Sasha's spot in front of you, Mina released her hair from her pigtails and swished her head around. Just like you did before, you split her locks down the middle and started on one side. Sasha praised your handiwork from in front of the mirror, looking at her new hairstyle from multiple angles and posing. A few other girls noticed what you were doing and slowly arose from their bunks and huddled around yours.

"Ohh! [First], do you mind braiding my hair afterwards?"

"Can you do my hair too?"

"Oh, me too!"

Your eyebrows raised up in confusion. Glancing over the group you saw a couple familiar faces, such as Christa and Hannah. On the other side of the room you spotted Mikasa sewing up her scarf in peace, although you didn't miss her eyes darting up in your direction quickly before going back to her work. The cold-hearted Annie busied herself with jotting down words in a leather journal. Turning back to the small crowd, you smiled sheepishly, eyebrows furrowed in slight worry.

"I guess if we time...I can do all of your hair."

After Mina's hair was done, Christa positioned herself on your bunk with a bright smile. Following her was Hannah, then Ymir, who was encouraged by Christa to have matching hairstyles, and then it was a bunch of random girls who you didn't know well enough to remember their names. ...They didn't need to know that, though.

Your fingertips ached and throbbed once you were finally done. You wearily sighed laying face down on your bed. Almost every person in the room now had matching dutch braids, and just like Sasha, they all applauded you and your talent as they caught glimpses of their heads in the mirror. Who knew braiding all that hair could wear your arms and hands out so much?

"Wait! Mikasa and Annie's hair isn't done!"

One girl pronounced, pointing at their bunks where they laid unbothered. At the mention of their names, the two lifted their heads and stared at you with a monotone expression. They made no effort to move or speak. You lightly shook your head.

"That's okay..! It's almost lights out and I'm sure they're tired..."

You _really_ didn't want to bother them, but also the ice cold gleam Annie always carried kind of sent chills down your spine each time you made eye contact with her. It wasn't like you disliked her or Mikasa, though. You admired both of them tremendously for their strength and endurance levels, however the thought of you braiding their hair... Would they even want to do that?

"Mikasa! Annie! Come get your hair done!"

Mina piped up, unfazed by the dark aura that surrounded their corner of the room.

"I'm okay, thanks."

Mikasa folded up her scarf neatly and placed it on the side of her pillow, readying herself for bed. Annie didn't respond.

"Annie? What about you?"

Most people would hesitate before coddling up to Annie Leonhart, but Mina was not one to cower down. You've spotted the two of them having an actual conversation a few times and even sitting together during meals. For some reason, Mina's charm seemed to have gained the upper hand on Annie.

"I don't want to."

...Yeahh, that's what you thought. With her journal still in her hands, you could easily tell she wanted to keep herself busy with whatever it was she was writing instead of have her hair be braided. Honestly, you were okay with that.

"Aww, you're no fun."

Mina pouted.

"That's okay, it's late anyway."

You shrugged your shoulders as the ravenette sauntered over to you. Your roommates had now calmed down from their excitement and were preparing themselves for some sleep. Yet to your surprise, none of them took their hair out.

"Wait, [First]...you don't have your hair up either! We should match!"

You huffed.

"I'll do it in the morning. My arms are a little sore."

...And so you did. You styled your hair the exact same way you did everyone else, and when it was time for breakfast, the stares from the boys felt heavy. Sasha and Mina confidently strolled to the kitchen to receive their trays of food while you followed behind with a small rosiness to your cheeks. There was no shame in wearing your hair like this, but it was a little funny and embarrassing that all of you looked the same.

Continuing to trail behind, you grabbed your food and sat down at a vacant table. When you lifted your head to make conversation, you were met with several wide-eyed stares from Connie, Jean, and Marco, who all leaned onto your table. You froze as you blinked at them.

"Wha-,"

** "What's up with your hair?" **

** "What did you do to it?" **

** "What is it? Why do all the girls have it?" **

You couldn't get a single word in over their overwhelming curiosity. You felt a laugh bubble in your chest.

"They're just braids. I did their hair last night."

You explained nonchalantly while picking up a spoonful of soup.

"You did it?! I didn't know you could do that."

Connie blurted out, falling back onto the wooden bench across from you.

"It's not a big deal, really. My sister taught me how to braid."

You raised a brow as you continued munching on your meal. The trio's amazement didn't cease to amuse you. Marco observed you as you ate while Jean and Connie whipped their heads back and forth to gaze upon the many braids the girls were wearing on their heads. It was a comical sight.

"Hey, you should do Armin's hair. He has the longest hair out of all of us."

Jean remarked, a sly smirk on his face. You furrowed your brows.

"Would he even let me do something like that?"

"Why wouldn't he? He might like it. Armin! Come over here!"

Jean waved his arm over to the blonde who was seated amongst his usual group. Armin sprouted a look of confusion as he carefully placed his cup down on the table and trudged over to yours.

"What is it?"

Jean pointed a finger at you, his smirk not fading.

"Let [First] braid your hair."

Armin's face immediately turned bright red.

"W-Why?"

You waved a hand in a small panic.

"If you don't want to, that's ok! Unless you're okay with it..."

Armin scratched at his temple, eyes casted downwards.

"I mean, I don't really mind..."

Jean stood from his seat and practically pushed the blonde boy to the now empty spot and forced him to sit.

"There. [First] come over here."

Letting out a heavy sigh, you too rose from the bench and waltzed over to position yourself behind Armin. His hair was much too short for double braids, so you settled for just one. Parting his hair into three strands, you began to braid.

The three boys beside you leaned in close to spectate. You felt a little sheepish receiving all this attention, but nonetheless your fingers kept working. After a few minutes, you were done, and with a spare hair tie, you wrapped it around the braid a couple times to hold it in place.

"There. It's done."

Trudging back over to your now cold breakfast, you slumped down on the bench and peered at the hairstyle from afar. It was already slightly falling out due to Armin's hair length, but other than that it was kind of pretty on him. You grinned.

"...How does it look?"

Armin raised a hand to feel the braid, softly touching the strands.

"It looks nice actually! You should wear braids more often."

You let out a small giggle. Jean, Marco, and Connie persistently surveyed Armin's hair, even switching sides with each other to observe from another angle. Eren and Mikasa joined your table as they had been watching from afar and were too interested on Armin's new hair. Eren's eyes widened at the braid and Mikasa softly hummed.

"I like it,"

Mikasa broke the silence with a faint voice. Armin blushed as he smiled.

"I guess I'll keep it in. I trust your word, [First]."

You nodded in response. Picking up your spoon to resume eating your meal, you were surprised to see your plate had been wiped clean. An eyebrow twitched.

_ Damn you, Sasha. _

\--

Two months have passed now since the first day of training. With each day you worked yourself to almost death in order to place in the top ten, and now all that hard work was finally paid off. Today was an off day, and you were going to spend it with your loving family in Karanese.

Thankfully though, Karanese was only a few miles away from the training grounds, so all you needed were some good shoes to make the trip. Throwing on a casual dress and cardigan, you ran your fingers through your hair and skirt to get rid of any tangles and wrinkles. You wanted to look your best in front of your mother and sisters after not being with them for so long, so it was a good thing you remembered to pack some nice clothes. Beside you Mina styled her hair and put on a dress of her own, smoothing out the sleeves and skirt.

"Are you excited to see your family?"

Mina questioned as she threw on some flats. You sat down on your bed as you watched her, a small grin resting on your face.

"Mhm. I'm very excited. Are you?"

The pigtailed-girl stood up right and sighed, pleased with her appearance.

"Yes. I miss home a lot. You ready to go?"

Turning over her shoulder, she motioned her chin to the door. Hopping off your bunk, you waltzed up to her and linked an arm around hers.

"Yes, let's go."

On the way out you spotted some fellow trainees also in casual clothes, either lounging about on the porch of the mess hall or walking along the forest line. Outside the mens' barracks were Eren, Armin, and Mikasa, who also dressed out of uniform and seemed to be engaged in peaceful chit chat. Connie and Sasha shared a bundle of bread whilst sitting on the porch steps of the mess hall. Jean and Marco conversed while exiting the training grounds up ahead of you to which you made the assumption they were also visiting their home towns. Christa and Ymir had left the grounds a few minutes prior, so you didn't see them anywhere.

Seeing your comrades in this manner warmed your heart; no harsh training, no bruises or accidents, and no lecturing for one day. All of you had a chance to just, breathe. It almost reminded you of a small town with every trainee out and about. Keith Shadis and the other instructors were no where to be found which was itself a blessing. With the eagle eyes of Shadis it was like no one could have leisure without escaping a hollering from the man. It was always work, work, work, except for today.

You and Mina strolled casually towards the entrance, arms still linked and satisfied smiles on your lips. The towering trees danced with the autumn wind, creating a wave in the surrounding forest and leaves whisking away in the air. It was a beautiful day. The sun didn't cause an unbearable heat and not a single cloud decorated the sky. The blue above sported a vibrant color compared to the storm clouds that concealed it a few days before, and the sight was heavenly. You couldn't wait to appreciate more of the outside world with your family.

Your lungs seized in a deep breath of air and exhaled as soon as your feet stepped outside the grounds and into civilization. The road beneath your feet was rough and textured, but this was the path that was leading you to your home, so with you chin held up high and shoulders relaxed, you began your journey. Turning back, you silently bid the world of soldier goodbye for the time being and faced frontwards. A pit of anticipation bubbled in your stomach. What was your mother going to say upon seeing your face? Your sisters? Little Maria? The questions that swam around your mind were endless.

"The first thing I'm going to do when I get home is eat some of my mom's cake. She always makes this amazing homestyle cake for my siblings and I. It's been our favorite for as long as I can remember."

Mina piped up, a pink flush on her cheeks and eyes twinkling in delight. You grinned.

"The first thing I'm going to do is make flower crowns. My sisters and I always make crowns for our birthdays...and though it's not my birthday, it'd be fun to make some."

Through your peripheral vision, you could see Mina turn her head to look at you curiously.

"When is your birthday?"

Following her moves, you faced the girl.

"It was in the spring so it's already passed. What about yours?"

She hummed.

"It's coming up in the winter."

You softly nodded, comprehending her words. So I'm older than her...Your lips smirked once you realized this.

"I'm older than you."

You deviously pointed out; Mina rolled her eyes.

"Only by a few months!"

You chuckled at her comeback.

"It still counts!"

Mina lightly shoved you with her shoulder, which in return caused you to shove her back with a little more zest. The two of you shared a laugh at your playful bickering and soon the previous conversation was outdone by other topics of discussion. As the journey continued, the wall entrance to the Karanese District broke the horizon and was only a few miles away, fueling you and Mina's excitement even more. If that was even possible. Once you got nearer, you and Mina simultaneously darted to the gate and inside the city, wide smiles on both of your faces.

[ [Songstamp: The Beach - Little Women ost ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgGTYsfOyPQ) ]

Your eyes feasted on the familiar buildings and landmarks of Karanese and a sigh of relief flew out your mouth. Mina possessed the same wide-eyed expression you had and was practically bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet.

"Come on!"

She exclaimed as she skipped forward and began jogging down the streets, hauling you behind her. Her hand gripped onto your wrist in hopes of not losing you to the citizens that crowded the roads as you two ran. A laugh of joy left your lips while you made your way through the town. To your right, you noticed the same street-shops you and your sisters window shopped through each time you went for a walk as well as the old postal office. The same one you always sent letters through for your father. Your mother must've been overwhelmed with nostalgia when she mailed you her own letter a month ago.

The skirts of your dress fluffed up with every rushed step you took. Your heart pounded against your chest with intense expectancy because any second now your house would show up; just a few streets more to go and you would be home. Her pace slowed down once the two of you stumbled upon a stone bridge. You recognized it instantly; it was the bridge that led to your neighborhood. Mina released your wrist and turned her body to face you.

"My house is down this way. Where's your house?"

You responded after catching your breath.

"It's down this way, too."

Mina gasped, her mouth hanging open.

"Well, let's keep going then."

This time instead of going full speed head-first into your houses, you and Mina decided to take on the bridge at a leisurely pace. You took this chance to admire the surrounding scenery and greet the locals who passed by. A handful even recognized you from when you shopped at their stores with your mother, tilting their hats and giving you a friendly wave.

Coming across a split road, Mina halted in her tracks. With her head turned to the right and staring off, you deduced she was close to her home. Good timing, too. Your house was just down the street from where you stood.

"My house is just past this street, so we can split off here. I'll meet you back here close to sunset, okay?"

Nodding your head with a smile, Mina parted ways from you. Your eyes lingered on her retreating form for a few seconds before you too wandered away. Passing by a corner, the wind circled through your dress and hair, flinging dust close to your eyelids. Covering your face with your arms, you let out a quiet curse before hastily patting down your skirt. Lifting your head up, your body froze. Just in front of you was your family house, standing right where you left it, and if you looked closely, you could almost make out the faint figures of your mother and sisters through the kitchen windows. A smile maneuvered its way on your lips.

_ I'm home. _


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (sorry it took so long to get this chapter out!!)

\--Part 6--

[ [Songstamp: Dr March's Daughters - Little Women ost] ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LfKJlzFUQI)

The gears of your stomach turned anxiously as you stood still in front of the wooden door, a shaky fist clenched tightly at your side. For some unknown reason, you were hit with a brutal wave of apprehension once you got closer to your house, worried to face your mother and sisters. Yes, you were extremely excited, but you've never been apart from them for so long. How would they react? What would they say? What would you say? Your shoulders puffed up and you sighed.

_ Well, you'll never know unless you find out. _

Lifting your trembling hand, you softly rapped your knuckles on the door and waited patiently. Any noise sounding inside halted and the distinct sound of shoes grew louder and louder. The knob slowly turned.

"Hello?"

Your endearing mother's face popped out, giving you her regular smile and bright eyes. A quick gasp left her mouth once the realization set in that it was you standing before her.

"..Hi."

You voiced with watery eyes and wavering shoulders. Your mother covered her mouth with the palms of her hands, tears cascading down her cheeks. Stepping forward, she threw her arms protectively around your form, shaking slightly with emotion. You didn't hesitate to embrace her back.

"Oh, [First], you're home...you're home."

Your mother wept silently, cradling you as if you were a delicate doll. With the door ajar, you easily spotted Thea, Clara, and Maria seated at the usual table, plates of bread in front of them. They all froze at the sight of you.

"[First]...?"

Thea whispered in disbelief. Stumbling out of her chair, your sister dashed towards you and your mother, wrapping her own arms around you. Clara and Maria hopped out of their seats and joined you in the doorway, shock littering their faces. You slightly shifted your form to reach out a hand to your younger sisters, grabbing ahold of Clara's and then Maria's.

"Come inside. Let me fix you something to eat."

Your mother declared after hesitantly freeing you and leading you into the house. The pleasant aroma of the familiar furniture and wood captivated you and soothed every single worry you had just moments ago. You had missed this house so much. Taking your place at the table, you and your sisters immediately jumped right into conversation.

"Tell us everything!"

"What is training like? What about the food?"

"Have you killed any Titans?"

Of course, they were curious. You retold many stories of your past few weeks living as a cadet to the best of your abilities, even dramatizing a few factors so Maria could grasp what was going on. Speaking of the girl, she was acting more mature now than when you left. She waltzed around the room with her chin held high and with strained posture, as if she was convincing herself to act more lady-like. Thea and Clara explained to you later that she had been trying to "grow up" since your departure, to which you laughed in response.

Your mother fixed you some potato stew and bread rolls for lunch and you allowed yourself to binge eat like you were a messy toddler. The hard walls you tried to uphold around the other trainees crumbled down and you were in your most comfortable, vulnerable state. Being at home had this effect on you and honestly, it was very refreshing. Following lunch, you suggested going on walk through town, to which your mother and sisters happily agreed to. It was a little bit after noon, so with the sun at its highest point in the blue sky, your skin glowed under the sun beams and the autumn wind rustled through your skirt.

You played and ran around with your sisters on the stone streets, not giving a single care in the world of anything. No training, duties, chores, or Keith Shadis entered your mind. You blocked all that out for just today and it was the best feeling in the world. And better yet, your mother didn't even lecture you for messing around! Instead, she bought you a new book to read and some newer shoes. Today truly was a blessing in disguise.

But of course, the day was passing by way too quickly. Eventually the sun began to tire out and fall down the sky, coloring the once vibrant blue to a now orange, yellow and red gradient. You stared up at the sunset with reluctant eyes. You were nowhere near ready to leave.

Right now you sat outside on the porch steps, hands resting on your knees and wordlessly people watching. Your mother instructed you to wait outside for her and your sisters wanted to show you something before your journey back to the training grounds. You turned your head behind you when the sound of the door opening broke.

"You can come in now!"

Clara pronounced to you, a cheeky grin on her face. Raising to your feet, you dusted off your skirt and marched inside.

"What is it?"

** "Surprise!" **

Your eyes slowly widened upon the sight in front of you. Your mother held out a brand new, perfectly-weaved flower crown decorated with your favorite flowers. The colors blended together seamlessly and were pleasant to the eye. An eager smile formed on your face as you stepped forward to grasp the crown in your hands.

"Mother told us she told you Maria's been practicing, so we all pitched in and made you this. Just a little present from all of us."

Thea explained while holding her arms behind her back.

"We know it's not your birthday, but...it's still a special occasion."

Clara chimed in, shyly fiddling with her fingers.

"But of course it was my idea. I could've easily done it on my own, but I liked their help."

Maria piped up, a small cockiness to her attitude and a shy grin on her face. _There she goes, trying to act mature again._

You giggled at their words before placing the crown on your head.

"How do I look?"

You inquired, giving a small twirl. Your mother waltzed up to you and placed her hands on your shoulders.

"You look beautiful."

Your cheeks warmed up as your fingers lightly touched the crown, feeling a little bashful. Maybe you could wear this around the mess hall...

"Well, it's almost sundown. You better get going."

Your mother reminded you, a soulful gleam casting over her face. Glancing over at your sisters, their expressions harbored a similar one. None of you were ready to say goodbye.

"Yeah, I need to meet up with Mina soon to make the walk back. But I will visit on our next off day. I promise."

You stated, making direct eye contact with your mother to ensure the promise. She nodded at your words with a soft smile before leaning down to embrace you gently. Thea, Clara, and Maria joined in on the gesture, wrapping their arms around the both of you. Maria's "grown up" facade went down the drain as tears started dripping from her eyes.

"[F-First] please don't go...! Stay here!"

Breaking out of the hold, you bent down and picked her up, giving her cheek a kiss.

"I'll be back before you know it. It'll feel like just a few days!"

Placing her back down on her feet, you gave both Clara and Thea individual hugs and kisses, bidding them farewell. Making sure you had everything, you began your exit out of the house. As you looked back to capture one last picture of the inside, you felt your heart crumble and desperately try to convince you to stay. But, no, you couldn't. You had to continue your training for your family; you made that promise to yourself and you couldn't allow yourself to ever break it.

Making your way out to the porch, your mother enclosed you in another hug and pecked your cheek.

"Be sure to keep writing to us, okay? Make sure to eat well and train hard. Do you have everything? Your new shoes and book?"

Opening up your satchel bag, you double checked the said items were tucked inside, safe and sound. Lifting your head, you reassured your mother with a nod.

"Well, I'll see you next time."

With that, you and your family exchanged your 'I love you's' and goodbyes, adding weight onto your heart even more, and you hopped down the steps and onto the dirt road. Saying goodbye the second time almost seemed harder than the first time. Once you reached a corner, you turned back to wave at your family who still stood at the porch, watching you leave. They all raised their arms and waved back. ...Except for your sisters who decided to also shout at you.

"Don't forget about us!"

"Kill a Titan for me!"

"If you lose that flower crown, I'll kill you!"

You rolled your eyes at their words, playfully dismissing them with your wrist and turning back to the front to continue down the road. Your house and family disappeared behind the buildings and it was back to the military life for you.

In your family's eyes, you were gone in seconds, vanishing into the city pavements.

\--

The walk back to the barracks from Karanese felt shorter than it did in the morning. You and Mina conversed non stop the whole way, spouting how your families were and what you did. Mina made sure to include how yes, she did have her mother's cake, and in return you proudly showed off your crown. It was completely nighttime once you two finally reached the familiar grounds, greeted by the lit torches and other trainees.

"Hey [First] and Mina! How was your trip?"

Marco questioned as the two of you trudged by the mess hall building. It looked like he and Jean had just arrived back, as well. You both smiled at the freckled boy.

"It was fun!"

"Yeah, it was very nice."

The two of your answered one after another. Marco's eyes fell on to the top of your head, giving you a quizzing look.

"Is that a crown..?"

His voice wavered with uncertainty, as if to not offend you by asking such a simple question. You shyly nodded, reaching up to take the crown off and letting him observe closely.

"My mother and sisters made it for me. It was a gift."

He hummed contently as he took in the details and flowers. A small pink hue dusted his cheeks.

"It's very pretty..."

Thanking him, the crown was back on your head, and the two of you gave him a wave before heading to the girls' barracks. On the way, more of your friends complimented you on the headpiece and addressed you, engaging in small talk. It was a nice sight to come back to after a day like this. You knew in no time your torn heart will steadily repair itself back together.

Sasha jumped into your arms the moment you stepped foot inside the cabin, almost knocking you completely off balance. Dramatically, she rubbed her face into your shoulder and went on about how much she desperately missed you, resulting in you patting her softly on the back. This scene she was creating however made you chuckle. You missed her, too.

As you laid back on your bed to sleep, you reflected on the day you just experienced. Seeing your family and hometown was really something you needed after two harsh months of nonstop work. Traveling with Mina was so much more fun than you anticipated; you didn't realize just how close the two of you had gotten and the beautiful friendship you shared was something you deeply appreciated. Tomorrow was the first 3D maneuver gear test, and _you absolutely dreaded it_. It was just the beginning of many tests and exams that were to come, and you prayed it would fly by as quick as today did.

\--

It was an absolute nightmare.

Everything went to shit so fast.

A casualty. The very first one from the 104th training division.

And technically, the very first death you witnessed first hand.

It was a male cadet; one you hadn't spoken to nor caught his name. All you knew was that he was a little bit older than you by a few years.

The test commenced normally, with the trainees divided up into groups of four and the goal being kill as many "Titans" as you can. The purpose of teams were to ensure teamwork and learn how to assist others in battle as opposed to going straight-in individually and carelessly. This particular cadet was placed in Hannah Diament's party, who now was sobbing uncontrollably into the chest of Franz Kefka. The other members of the squad stared wide-eyed at the scene, trying to process what the hell just happened.

As claimed by the instructor in charge of Hannah's group, the incident played out accordingly: _the team members utilized great corresponding effort and teamwork, however, the most notable rule in 3D maneuver equipment was disrespected by cadet Effie Schmidt and Ben Becker, causing Becker to crash land into a tree branch and fracture his skull and Schmidt to lose control of her gear. Schmidt suffered only minor injuries, although Becker was pronounced deceased upon impact._

_ Ben Becker... _

Repeating his name in your head made your stomach turn with unbearable nausea. He woke up this morning anxious for the assessment just like you had been, and yet here he was. Gone.

Something so simple as a mere accident took his life away from him. He must've harbored similar ambitions the rest of you had, maybe even wanting to join the Military Police and graduate in the top ten. He'd been training himself raw to get past everyday to reach that goal just like all of you. Why is it now though that he is dead?

It was unfair. Completely...unfair.

Your hands trembled at your sides and your heart thumped heavy inside your ribcage. Ben Becker's body was retrieved from the tree branches and onto the forest floor, now being carried out on a cloth stretcher by the medics. The forest was quiet, void of any maneuver gear wires and swords carving out Titan napes. Just the sound of the leaves bristling and birds chirping filled your ears.

It was another pretty day.

Sasha gulped right beside you. Glancing over at her, you spotted her look of pure shock, eyes blown open and skin pale. Checking around, the rest of the crowd's faces didn't differ much from hers. Armin's blue orbs glistened with small tears while Eren gritted his teeth. Mikasa's face, like usual, was monotone and stoic, although you didn't miss her lightly worried eyebrows.

As you all watched Ben Becker be carried away, you wondered what the rest of the day was going to look like. Would they continue the tests or was there going to be a cancel? Were the tests going to be moved to the next day? On top of those logical questions, one struck out on top.

What if that was you? What if that had been any of your friends?

What separates you from Ben Becker? He was a regular cadet training to become a soldier just like you, yet he was the unfortunate one who died early on. What if tomorrow brought you the same fate? If you didn't make it to the top ten, would you be next?

No, that can't happen. You have to be **better**. Be **_stronger._**

** "Commence training. Next squad to be graded is Marco Bodt, Mina Carolina, Samuel Linke-Jackson, and Thomas Wagner. You begin in five minutes." **

Your mouth gaped open at the announcement. They're going to continue testing?! Murmurs and hushed whispers echoed throughout the crowd, anxiously debating on whether or not someone should speak up in protest. A comrade just died...No one wanted to move on so quickly. It was Marco himself who stepped forward.

"S-Sir...shouldn't we cancel...? A lot of us are still in.. shock, so to speak.."

Shadis's eyes narrowed, but not in a condescending matter. The wrinkles by his upper cheeks that normally were dark and stretched from his anger were soft and left alone.

"By signing up to become soldiers, you all have agreed to the terms and conditions that this job grants, and unfortunately, death of a comrade is one of those conditions. In battle, you must not waver at the sight of a deceased team member and keep moving forward. If for one second you hesitate on the battlefield, the next one to go will be you. This is the first of many. From this moment on, you have experienced death, and learn now that you have to keep going. Keep training hard and you will succeed. You may all grieve later, but right now you have to work. I will see your squad soon, Bodt."

Your instructor turned on a heel and trudged away, soon firing his cables into the trees above and positioned himself with a clipboard. An uncomfortable stir washed over you and your fellow trainees. As much as you didn't want to admit it...Shadis was right. You have to keep going. Ben Becker worked hard and well, but now he's gone, and all you could do now was fight and live on for him. Marco met your eyes for a split second, uneasiness evident in his face. Through his facial features, you could tell what he was silently inquiring you of.

_ Am I doing the right thing? _

Shoulders stiffening up, you gave him a nod. His gaze softened considerably, finding a new surge of confidence.

"Okay. Squad 19, get ready for our test. Let's show 'em what we got!"

Marco called out to his group, a determined smile on his face. Somehow he always managed to make others feel reassured and stronger. It was a talent you deeply admired him for. As his teammates hesitantly stepped forward, you found yourself looking at Mina who tensed up uncomfortably. Meeting your lingering stare, you tried comforting her with a small smile. Her lips turned upwards for a split second before the four hooked their wires into the branches above them, sending them airborne.

Soon it would be your turn, being in Squad 20 with Christa Lenz, Mikasa Ackerman, and Jean Kirschtein. All you could do in the meantime was lose yourself to your thoughts as you watched the trees hovering over you.

\--

In memory of Ben Becker, the instructors lit a pyre outside in the sparring area. The ideal situation was to bury him back in his hometown for his family, but by the time the trip would be made, his body would've begun its decaying process. The sparks of ember flying off the flames dazzled in the night sky, giving off a light smoke. Your eyelids fluttered closed.

Was this going to be something you'll have to get used to? This feeling of death...?

Would you ever allow yourself to get used to this feeling?

After the pyre burned itself out, the instructors dismissed you all to the barracks. Though, you guessed most would have trouble sleeping, especially the boys who now had an empty bunk to stare at.

For some reason your feet felt like rock hard cement, dragging you behind everyone else. You didn't feel tired in the slightest, and there was no way you could have a peaceful night's rest after witnessing today.

"[First]? Aren't you going to bed?"

Sasha questioned, noticing how you slow you were moving. You rubbed the back of your head.

"Yeah...I think I wanna go for a walk first. You go to bed, though. Today was...a lot."

The brunette hummed at your words, her eyebrows creasing with unease.

"Okay...don't stay out too late."

You knew she wasn't pleased with your explanation, but still turned around to enter the girls' cabin nonetheless. In a matter of minutes, you were the only person outside. You weren't completely lying about going for a walk; the thought was nice and it would be quiet. However, these emotions dancing around in your head tired you out ruthlessly, hence the dread you experienced when leaving the pyre. Perching yourself on the wooden steps, you sighed.

_ Maybe all I need...is some alone time.  _

_ Yeah...alone time... _

"[First?"

You dropped your head to hang over your lap. _Every single time._

Except this time it wasn't Armin who joined you, it was Marco.

"What are you doing? You should be in bed..."

He tilted his head at you, eyes full of concern. You almost wanted to laugh at how much this situation paralleled with when Armin spoke to you. But instead of doing that, you just leaned your cheek in an open palm.

"I'm just thinking..."

Shuffling over to your figure, Marco bent down and seated himself next to you. A deep sigh flew out his nose as he stared front.

"Are you thinking about Ben Becker?"

You hummed as you nodded.

"Yeah...It's weird, I didn't even know him yet I'm thinking of him."

Marco turned to the side to stare at you.

"I don't think it's weird. The death of someone is heavy no matter who it is. There's also...his friends and family that make it feel even more heavy. I can't imagine what they're going through."

Your arms wrapped around your knees, pulling your legs closer to your chest. You knew exactly what his family was going to experience. You weren't sure if the news of Ben's passing had reached his hometown yet, but when it does...

You frowned. Glancing over at Marco, he was losing thought while focusing on the moon, not noticing you in the slightest. Perhaps...you could talk to Marco about your troubling thoughts, too. Staring back down to your feet, you closed your eyes.

"...When my dad died, my mother cried for about a week straight. My sisters and I didn't talk much to each other, let alone eat or do anything. When I think of Ben Becker and his family...I guess it just reminds me of that time. It's put me in a sorrowful mood, I think."

Marco shuffled closer to you, placing a hand on your back.

"I'm very sorry about your dad. I had no idea he passed away..."

You weakly smiled at him.

"I don't talk about him much, but...he is the reason I'm training to be a soldier. He was in the Survey Corps, so that's where I'm planning on joining when we graduate."

Marco tensed up, eyebrows furrowing.

"...Aren't you scared...?"

You turned away.

"Yes. But, when I think about my family back at home, it only makes me want to keep going instead of dropping out."

Marco lightly chuckled.

"You're a strong person, [First]. I admire you a lot."

You buried your face in your arms, feeling a bit embarrassed. Marco removed his hand from your back to rest on his knee.

"When I think about what soldiers we will all become, I become very motivated to keep trying my best. It'll definitely be interesting to see how everyone will grow, but I'm a bit nervous, too. I've wanted to serve the King my whole life. To be able to finally train and potentially earn that position...it's very mind blowing, but scary too. But I think that's just how life works. Facing what scares you but being able to gain courage and conquer that fear and keep moving forward...I think that's very beautiful."

You peeked up from your forearms to spot the awestruck expression Marco had on his freckled face. The moon illuminated his hair and highlighted the high points of his cheeks and forehead. Your eyes slightly widened.

"Do you think so too?"

He met your gaze once more. You slowly nodded, still taken aback by his glowy appearance. Marco smiled at you, not noticing your amazed state. Snapping back to reality, you blinked a few times before tearing away from eye contact.

"Right now, the only thing I want to accomplish is securing a spot in the top ten. If I do that, maybe..."

Your words trailed off. Marco's grin wiped clean off his lips.

"Maybe?"

Your fingers tugged at your sleeves.

"...Maybe...I could prove to my family that I'm worthy. That I'm strong and brave...and that they don't have to worry about me...maybe then...I can be happy."

A tiny gasp sounded from the boy next to you. You refused to look at him, only finding peace in observing the wood boards underneath your feet.

"[First], you don't need a position in the top ten to prove yourself worthy. You already are. You're a great soldier, you're strong and you have perseverance. I don't want to speak for anyone, but I'm sure your family is super proud of you and who you are. A number in the top ten does not define you."

Marco gently clapped a hand against your shoulder. His eyes gleamed with a determined, focused emotion, staring intently at you. He wanted to make sure you heard him clearly.

"You are my friend [First], and I want to make sure you aren't thinking negatively about yourself. If you ever are feeling this way again, please come to me and let me help you."

You didn't realize it, but your eyes began to tear up. Marco's words echoed throughout your head, repeating his words of affirmations and scaring off any depressing and harmful thoughts. How was he able to fight off your sadness so easily? Leaning forward, you gave the boy a small hug and rested your head on his chest. He didn't hesitate to embrace you back, rubbing your back with his hand.

"Thank you, Marco."

\--

It had now been three months since Ben Becker's death. Five months since enlistment.

At first, the air was still and dark around the 104th regiment. Where Ben used to be, there was always a void; an empty bunk, an extra space on a bench, a set of equipment with no owner. However, as life pushed on, Ben Becker grew into a distant memory, soon to be invisible forever. You would never forget him of course, but you didn't dwell on him anymore. Just like Shadis said, you had to keep moving forward.

No matter what. You had to keep moving forward.

You had to be **better**... **stronger**... **braver**...

As you woke up an hour earlier than the rest of the trainees to workout, Marco's words resonated in your ear.

_ "...you don't need a position in the top ten to prove yourself worthy. You already are." _

You chewed on the inside of your lip.

You didn't believe a single word.

**Author's Note:**

> Helloooo and welcome to this first part of my story 'Altruistic' an Attack on Titan x reader insert! Also I am posting this story on Deviantart and may be more active on there so if you want to keep up with me there feel free to! My user is the same as this one!  
> .  
> I'm open to any comments/suggestions you may have, and I hope you enjoy this first part! Thanks for reading!


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